#I only attach emotionally to characters I know I’ll see from beginning to end

[tenitchyfingers]

Denji might be my favorite shonen protagonist ever

He just don’t give a shit so it’s not like I have to care about him living or dying either, he’s ridiculous and entertaining, and HE CAN TURN INTO A FUCKING MANIC HUMANOID MADE OF CHAINSAWS HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT

[cabeswaterdrowned]

adam from trc? (for the characters ask game!)

Why I like them: Difficult to sum up since he’s one of my favorite characters of all time, I mentioned he’s probably my second favorite specifically male character in media and I stand by that <3. He has a lot of traits that appeal to me between the control issues and emotional repression and being curious and wanting to know what is up at all times and being a resourceful smart bb who can probably (the traits that most make me vibe with male chars tbh), his ambition and drive and desire for autonomy is really admirable to me but I enjoy that his arc in original trc is about learning he’s worthy of loving and being loved and about the value of that, that vulnerability isn’t automatically going to lead to being ruined in a sense. And his whole journey/arc in original trc is really beautifully done, one of my favorite character arcs ever to this day. On the flip side he’s a freak and a menace and I adore that as well, his internal monologue and pov is truly unhinged in the most fascinating and fun way. I definitely wouldn’t be nearly as attached to him without that. And I love stories about identity and masking and characters who feel alien and other having malleable relationships to identity to conform… so that might have started a bit with my love for Adam I’m realizing.

Why I don’t: I’m satisfied enough with how the arc played out in canon to not hold this against him when it comes to my feelings about his char especially since the breakdown of Blue and Adam’s relationship is pretty compelling to me in general, but anytime I see fandom takes that act like he Never treated Blue badly during their relationship at all and blame her for everything … Bombastic side eye doesn’t begin to cover it. But that’s only related to fandom bs, in terms of moments I actually dislike him which are not reckoned with by the narrative at all obviously it’s the racism re: Henry in TRK, ugh.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): tbh so much of my favorite Adam content comes in his internal monologues and PoV rather than what he’s Doing in a scene… but DC Party scene is incredible <33. If you made me pick another scene would go with him blackmailing Greenmantle nefarious king <3. Oh but also being unbothered by Kavinsky’s death iconic… wait I actually changed my mind pretend I never said those things it’s definitely the sacrifice scene in TRB yes that is my final answer.

Favorite season/movie: I love his entire arc and journey in trc so much so it really could be any book each for different reasons but I’ll say TDT, I love a Downward Spiral that’s interesting and messy <33. But also his BLLB arc rules… but it is the more obvious answer since it’s more positive/uplifting so yeah will stick to TDT answer and unpopular opinion but he’s the best part of that book for me.

Favorite line: lonesome internal monologue is iconic for a reason it’s incredible… also his whole internal monologue about being jealous of all combinations of his (hot) friend hanging out without him is soo real and iconic. Oh also ik I slander TRK but his monologue about loving magic and not knowing he was capable of love before and then Cabeswater showing him the images of his friends in moments linked to heightened emotions surrounding them… went off. If we’re going with just dialogue World’s Ending Folks! tirade is iconic + the internal monologues surrounding it… so much fun to dissect together.

Favorite outfit: the white shirt and cargo pants from BLLB ig my man has no drip… actually changed my mind it’s the secondhand tweed suit Gansey’s dad gave him he wears at Harvard for symbolism reasons.

OTP: Adam/Gansey. I love him with Ronan too and find stuff to be compelled by re: him and Blue but Adansey just hits on a different level emotionally and narratively they are everything…

Brotp: Persephone I love their psychic mentorship in BLLB.

Head Canon: would not have said this was my take before this reread but I do actually think of Adam as having some more internalized homophobia than most of the fandom, not as intense and exacerbated by religious shame as Ronan’s but there in a subtler way. I think Adam at the beginning of the series has some level of awareness about his attraction to men without fully registering it/accepting it, when he thinks about a model for success in TRB&TDT it’s this very heterosexual WASP ideal him watching Declan and Ashley as a model is very this to me for instance and I reblogged some older meta posts about this I agree with (stopping myself here because I kind of want to make a separate post about my thoughts here at some point).

Unpopular opinion: He’s quite an emotional mess for most of the series so fanon portrayals of him as totally cool and collected and put together rub me the wrong way especially after rereading where it Really stood out to me how much fanon and canon tend to diverge... He’s a logical, pragmatic person and a brilliant problem solver but that boy is emotional as fuck (Not soft at all which is totally different from emotional imo) and his efforts to deal with that logically make it worse (I can relate but that’s beside the point), he’s also really not smooth it’s just that Ronan and Gansey’s disasternous is more telegraphed and it makes Adam’s easier to downplay, also a trademark of Adam narration is that He prefers to see himself as a totally logical in control of emotions person and will downplay his emotional investment/emotions as a factor even when his feelings come out in other thoughts and especially especially when you look at his actions….

A wish: makes me deeply sad that even though he clearly values knowledge, loves when other people love knowledge for it’s own sake and get’s a taste of that passion himself when it comes to how much he loves being a powerful psychic/doing magic, he never gets to have that in his academic pursuits because they’re all tailored to get him out of Henrietta / help him win at the capitalist American dream… I so want for him to find a major he’s actually passionate about.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: well from the Greywaren spoilers I heard (I read CDTH and MI when they came out and now that I’m done rereading the original series am rereading them and will then read Greywaren so will.. try to reserve judgement but what I’ve heard to me is 😬) but aside from that I did always hate the idea of him losing his psychic powers and I’m glad that specifically didn’t happen.

5 words to best describe them: ambitious, observant, obsessive, practical, neurotic

My nickname for them: don’t have one, but I did call him a Freak (affectionate) a lot while rereading so I guess you could count that

thank you so much! (send me a character for ask game)

[hexxalite-hecate]

I see Cullen x Amell or Cullen x Surana a lot in the Cullen tags, I'm a Cullen x Lavellan shipper and I haven't played Origins, what is the deal with him and the mage warden? Some people say he was obsessed and stalked her, I don't wanna believe that bc I love him but I'm confused about what's canon. I know some people hc they had a relationship but I can't seem to get a straight answer what actually happened in canon? Sorry for random ask 🦁

Hi! I love asks ❤️ And this is a good question!

From what I've seen, this topic can get a bit spicy because people have opinions on Cullen's history with Amell/Surana (hereby referred to as f!mage because I'm lazy). I'm active on the Dragon Age subreddits and I've had a lot of discussions with people who genuinely believe that Cullen is an abusive, stalking rapist, and Bioware did a lazy retcon on his history to turn him into a whitebread vanilla love interest for DAI.

I’ll put my cards on the table: Amell was my first playthrough and subsequently canon Warden, I got attached to Cullen early on, and I love me a bit of Cullen x f!mage fic and art, though my preference is post-Inquisition reunion. I don't agree he’s been retconned from an abusive stalker into a poor little meow meow (and I'll be going into a detailed breakdown of why in a minute). HOWEVER, despite my personal bias I’m going to try and present information fairly so people can draw their own conclusions, and I can definitely see how the less flattering opinions of Cullen wrt f!mage ended up being formed. 

There are several explanations for the, ahem, strong views on Cullen’s relationship with f!mage during their time at Kinloch Hold, some entirely reasonable and some less reasonable. Some examples of the range I’ve encountered:

1. People have difficulty emotionally separating the character of Cullen from his VA, who holds some utterly loathsome alt-right stances and has historically used the character to try and spread those disgusting views. (Can't really blame anyone for this, fuck that guy.)

2. People haven't actually played through Origins as f!mage and only have second-hand knowledge of his canon interactions, going off hearsay that gets escalated and distorted like a Thedosian game of telephone. Well, lucky for you I gathered every single interaction between them into this post, so now you have the facts to make an informed decision.

3. Information from abandoned writing concepts and dev interviews often conflicts with what’s actually presented in the game itself, muddying the waters with regard to Cullen’s character vision. (This one is genuinely complicated, but I'll try and present everything fairly for your consideration.)

4. A lot of fans understandably started disliking Cullen based on the choices he makes and the viewpoints he espouses in DA2. This doesn't directly affect his relationship with f!mage at the Tower, since all their interactions happened before that point. However, some people argue that his behaviour during DA2 indicates tendencies that he would have had from the beginning, including during their time at Kinloch Hold together. It also affects his post-Circle opinions of her, which is relevant to whether or not he could be termed as obsessive. This, too, is complicated, and I'll try to be as fair and unbiased as possible.

I'm going to tackle your ask by breaking it down into two main parts. Firstly, what is the canon evidence of exactly how involved Cullen and f!mage were at the Ferelden Circle? And secondly, what canon evidence is there that this involvement was characterised by obsessive/predatory/stalker behaviour, and in what way does that behaviour develop through later games? 

Buckle up, this turned out long.

1. What canon evidence is there of f!mage and Cullen’s relationship at Kinloch Hold?

Let's take this from the beginning, based directly on what f!mage encounters in the game. On waking from your Harrowing, you are immediately greeted by this ambient conversation from two gossiping apprentices:

If you walk around spam clicking other apprentices, one will also volunteer this information:

So, we are immediately given evidence that whoever Cullen is, his feelings for you are obvious enough to be a general subject of gossip. Interesting! But it doesn’t say anything about your character’s feelings for him. Are we in a forbidden relationship? Or is my character only just finding out about this? Would she react with ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) or ಠ_ಠ? Ok, let's go talk to the guy himself and find out what the deal is.

(Forgive the cut and pasted dialogue; I just centred it over his head so I don’t have to post full size screenshots.)

Straight away, we can see that Cullen is a stuttering, bumbling wreck. He stumbles over his words and clumsily tries to make conversation. We are presented with a range of options in response to his greeting:

As you can see from these options, f!mage seems to know who Cullen is. There’s no “Uh, who are you again?” dialogue. However, she doesn’t appear to know him very well. They’re unfamiliar enough that when he tries to compliment her, he has to obfuscate:

If they had any sort of relationship, whether simple friendship or more, Cullen wouldn’t need to hide that he’s familiar with an apparently key part of her personality - that she’s confident. To me, that reads that they’ve hardly interacted outside the occasional nod in the hallways, or at the very most a brief conversation.

I suppose you could argue that they’ve been having purely physical trysts that account for them having a ‘relationship’ without him knowing her personality very well, but his bumbling awkwardness seems utterly contradictory to that theory. And then, as the nail in the coffin, we get this:

F!mage can suggest such a tryst herself, picking up on his attraction and showing reciprocation. Cullen reacts first with confusion, then stunned realisation... then absolute rejection. 

Then he automatically ends the conversation and literally runs away from you.

Despite his obvious attraction - described as love, no less, by random NPCs - he doesn’t even entertain the idea of acting on his desires.��We’ll come back to this conversation in the second part, because Cullen’s language reveals a lot about why he rejects you. But for now, the important thing is that he does, and nothing about this exchange indicates that there have been previous, non-rejected encounters.

So, the definitive answer to the question did Cullen and f!mage have a romantic or sexual relationship at the Tower?

No. Through their canon interactions, we can deduce that they were both aware of the other’s existence, and f!mage’s opinion of him is anything from dismissive to neutral to flirty depending on your dialogue choices. However, these canon interactions completely contradict the idea of them having any kind of established romantic or sexual relationship - or even just friendship, given Cullen’s hasty “or so I’ve heard” correction, or f!mage’s offer that “we should get to know each other”. Obviously players can headcanon anything they like - I’m partial to friends with mutual unspoken crushes - but it’s not canon.

So that’s that. Now on to the second, less clear-cut, messier question...

.

2. Did Cullen ever behave in an obsessive/predatory/stalkerish way towards f!mage?

Oh man. There is a LOT of ground to cover here.

Let’s take this in chronological order. Firstly, let’s examine their actual relationship at Kinloch Hold, using all the canon evidence above. It’s clear from their interactions that this relationship - such as it is - is weighted more towards one side. Cullen’s feelings are so obvious that everyone and their dog is gossiping about them. It’s also evident through your conversation with him that he and f!mage don’t actually know each other very well, so regardless of whether or not your character chooses to shock him by actually showing interest in return, Cullen’s feelings up until that point must have been born of watching and admiring her from afar. So yes, there’s scope to interpret such behaviour anywhere on the spectrum from youthful crush to obsessive, and there isn’t much primary source information to confirm one way or the other. But predatory? I don’t believe the canon information supports that Cullen ever behaved in a predatory way towards f!mage during her apprenticeship in the Ferelden Circle, and here’s why.

To set the scene, we have already been shown that Cullen is young and idealistic. He’s 19, and very clearly inexperienced in terms of navigating social situations. (F!Mage’s age is flexible, but since Harrowings are not generally taken until 18/19, she and Cullen are either contemporaries or f!mage is actually older than him, which neutralises that particular facet of imbalance). Every writing choice made for Cullen during the mage origin intro highlights that he is simply naïve, unable to conceal his crush and unaware of how revealing his statements are. Look at this; he can’t even stop telling on himself while he’s actually talking to you, let alone with anyone else:

These are very stark writing choices which make the character of Cullen seem as awkward, bumbling, nonthreatening and - dare I say it - cute as possible. This was intended to be endearing. Take a look at the VO direction for Cullen’s voice acting, taken from this post of @soularia discussing the same topic:

Sincere and sweet is the clincher for me. There’s no way to reconcile that with predatory. Even if you personally disagree that the overall effect was endearing rather than creepy, the directorial intent was clearly to evoke the former.

However, even if Cullen’s attentions at the Ferelden Circle can be characterised as an innocent crush, the next hurdle to clear is the inherent imbalance of power between Templar and mage, which is one of the major issues people have with his romantic fixation. Despite his youth and inexperience, Cullen is still in a position of authority over f!mage, and as such any relationship between them would be inherently exploitative. But as you can see from his rejection dialogue, the person who is most cognizant and serious about that imbalance is Cullen himself. When Cullen turns f!mage down, the language he uses is very revealing - he doesn’t say “No, we’ll get in trouble” or even “No, your kind and mine shouldn’t mix” (which you might expect from his stance in DA2). He says “it would be really inappropriate.” You’re offering him everything he wants on a silver platter, and he won’t take it because he’s the one who’s concerned about power imbalances. That speaks of responsibility and duty of care, not predation. If his behaviour was narratively intended to be read as predatory, this would have been the perfect place to hammer that point home. You could even do it in a soft-touch morally grey way - “oh we shouldn’t, but I just can’t help it!” But instead, pains are taken to ensure the player sees Cullen acting in a respectful and principled manner.

So it’s perfectly understandable for fans to dislike the Cullen/f!mage dynamic because of the inherent power balance. However, I think it’s unfair to term Cullen himself as predatory because of it. The imbalance is not of his making, and despite his feelings, he does the exact opposite of exploiting it. 

I think it’s interesting that Cullen isn’t present alongside the other Templars in the scene outside the repository when f!mage and Jowan are confronted by Greagoir and Irving, and as such we have no chance to see what side he would pick in that scenario. If you pursue the relevant dialogue options during your earlier conversation, he regretfully declares that should you have been possessed by a demon during your Harrowing, he would have followed protocol and helped the rest of the Templars put you down, despite his personal feelings on the matter:

Ouch. This tracks with the ‘duty first’ mentality that causes him to reject your proposition, even though it’s presumably all he dreams about. This topic of conversation makes Cullen visibly uncomfortable in both voice and mannerisms - because it’s fucked up and he seems painfully aware of that - and he moves on as soon as possible. But I think it’s interesting to note that in the one situation where his devotion to duty could have been proven - at the confrontation outside the repository - Cullen is conspicuously absent. It’s possible there’s nothing narratively meaningful about his exclusion from this scene, but part of me wonders whether it was intentionally kept ambiguous whether he really would have been able to attack f!mage if Greagoir ordered him to. This one is up for individual interpretation, however, and I’m aware that it’s another major reason the Cullen x f!mage pairing leaves a sour taste in some fans’ mouths. If nothing else, it’s consistent with his character presentation so far.

(As an aside, it’s interesting to note that the one time we do see Cullen presented with this choice - in the final act of DA2 - he chooses to stand with Hawke against the rest of the Templars. And that’s during his worst phase of mage prejudice. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.)

Cullen and f!mage next cross paths where all the non-mage PCs meet him for the first time: during the Broken Circle quest, where he’s been tortured, starved, assaulted and abused for days by a Desire Demon wearing the shape of none other than f!mage. This is where we get definitive proof of Cullen’s feelings, in the form of a delirious confession:

(NB: the fact that one of your dialogue options here is basically “so who the fuck were you, again?” is both hilarious and sad. Poor Cullen.)

There’s some epic Greek-tragedy-cum-extreme-Catholic-guilt here, and let me tell you this shit was like catnip to the angst sluts when DAO first came out. You have to understand that female players were typically NOT catered to in the gaming scene of 2009, especially in terms of fanservice, and having this himbo pour out his agonised forbidden desire for your character hit a LOT of people’s targets. There’s a reason Cullen was a breakout favourite. (I’m aware that mores have changed since then and this particular trope might be recieved less favourably in a more recent game. This was 2009. We had to take what we could get.)

Anyhow, regardless of all this, Cullen insists that the ordeal he’s been subjected to has destroyed whatever tender boyish regard he may once have nurtured, and says some pretty jaded and upsetting things to back it up:

What we’re seeing here is the genesis of Cullen’s radicalisation, which is hale and flourishing by DA2. I won’t go into detail about this here because it’s getting off topic, but one interesting thing to note is a line which serves as evidence against the theory that Cullen held his DA2-era radical opinions before his ordeal at the Tower:

This seems to indicate that prior to Uldred’s rebellion, Cullen was a mage sympathiser in the mould of Ser Thrask. (This was later confimed in a messageboard comment by his writer - we’ll get to that bit later.) Food for thought - however, we’re straying from our intended path.

The fact that the easiest way for the Desire Demon to break Cullen is to use his feelings for f!mage is very telling. Remember, Desire Demons are not simply about sex, despite how much boob-fondling Bioware insisted on programming into their models. The Desire Demon who possessed Connor in Redcliffe played on his wish for his father to be healed. Cullen could have had plenty of things for the demon to work with - he might have been hungry to prove himself as a devoted Templar, or conversely been dissatisfied with his life choices and yearned to see more the world - but no, it’s his feelings for f!mage that the demon focuses on like a laser beam. This trick, again? Cullen says when you find him outside the Harrowing Chamber. Still here? But that’s always worked before! I close my eyes, but when I open them you are still here! “Again”; “always” - this was more than once. The demon has been using the f!mage doppelganger technique over and over. Such insistence on this tactic by the demon - who can see directly into Cullen’s head - seems to indicate that Cullen’s feelings have moved beyond mere crush into something potent enough to be used to break his spirit entirely. How might Cullen have been affected in the time between f!mage leaving the Tower with Duncan, and miraculously returning as the prodigal daughter during Broken Circle? Remember, the news from Ostagar was that everyone but Loghain’s unit was dead. Until her reappearance in Broken Circle, Cullen was likely under the impression that his crush had died a horrific and violent death at the hands of monsters. What does that do to a lovelorn teenager? Well, it’s possible that grief and lack of a healthy emotional outlet turned those innocent feelings into an obsession. As we’ll see later, Cullen makes some curious remarks indicating that he has pedastalised f!mage in his memories. But this is moving into the realm of speculation again, and we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

This scene marks the end of Cullen and f!mage’s canon interactions in the Ferelden Circle. Despite being present during the post-battle discussion with Greagoir (and Irving, if he survives), Cullen does not address f!mage again directly, and this is his last on-screen appearance in DAO. However, he is one of the few characters who returns in all three games. So what can we glean about Cullen’s ongoing feelings from his appearances in the later instalments of the DA series?

Let’s look at Cullen’s attitude towards Amell/Surana post-Origins - how long can you nurse a crush before it becomes unhealthy?

Before we move on from DAO, let’s squeeze in a last little bit of piping hot tea from our favourite Kinloch Hold gossip girls:

This takes place during your return to the Tower in the expansion Witch Hunt, set roughly two years after the Blight. Apparently Cullen’s crush was such a juicy topic that it’s still being brought up, even though neither of he nor f!mage have been at the Ferelden Circle for literal years now. However, the question of whether he’s still holding that torch doesn’t get an answer from Kristen Bell over there, and since Cullen himself isn’t present to confirm or deny it, there’s no further information to be had here. To get the update from the lion’s mouth, we need to spin on to DA2.

There’s a lot to be said about Cullen’s decisions, viewpoints and state of mind during DA2, and I could write an entire separate post about the toxic behaviour that can result from extreme trauma, PTSD and radicalisation (and probably will; just give me a week with my psychotherapy textbooks and I’ll post another thesis-length meta). While Cullen’s fragile and toxic state of mind during DA2 does have a bearing on this discussion, I’m going to try and keep things focused on the topic of the ask, just to stop this post from tipping over into magnum opus territory.

The comment Cullen makes to Hawke in DA2 is specifically directed towards f!Amell, since you can only trigger it by bringing up Hawke’s family connection to the Hero of Ferelden - but we can reasonably assume he’d have the same opinion of Surana if asked. When congratulating Hawke on restoring the status of the Amells in Kirkwall, Cullen will make this statement, entirely unprompted and unsolicited:

This is completely contradictory to every sentiment Cullen expresses regarding mages for the entirety of DA2, and entirely conflicts with the manner of his parting with Amell after the Broken Circle quest. He’s been tortured, abused, traumatised and radicalised, and he spends the 7 years of DA2 unequivocally paying it forward. Every word he speaks about mages in this game is about damage control, and how their human rights must be balanced with the dangers they present to society. Whether you agree with this or not (I don’t, obviously), it’s inescapably part of his ideology in Kirkwall. Arguably the starkest and hardest-to-handwave nadir of his character arc is when he insists to Hawke that “mages aren’t people like you and me”. Cullen can’t see past his fear and trauma to even consider mages human.

And yet this comment about Amell, a mage who was (unwittingly and unwillingly) central to the abuse he endured? No caveats at all. Not “she was special, for a mage”. He doesn’t mention the fevered accusations he threw at her in the wake of the disaster at the Tower, when he claimed he was beyond caring what she thought of him, and accused her of dooming them all with her ‘compassion’ if she chose to spare the mages. There are no qualifiers to his wistful statement, and it remains the same regardless of what story choices you made in DAO - Amell could have left the village of Redcliffe to burn, killed a ten year old boy, joined a crime syndicate and robbed Denerim blind, defiled the Urn of Sacred Ashes and been an honest-to-god blood mage, and Cullen’s still reminiscing like she’s a milkmaid he had a summer fling with. He completely disregards the complex and negative circumstances in which they parted, and explicitly separates her from other mages (because she’s not like them, apparently).

Now, you could argue that Cullen has simply accepted that his torture by a Desire Demon hiding behind a lifesize Amell cutout was not in fact the real Amell’s fault, that he regrets his hasty chastisement of her, and has peaceably and healthily decided to move on without malice. But his baseline indictment of literally every other mage ever is not compatible with this reading. He can’t healthily and fondly reminisce about Amell while also hating and fearing all other mages. You could argue that Cullen’s use of “special” and “never met her like again” could simply refer to her saintly status as Hero of Ferelden, but keep in mind that this dialogue is only in the game to be an easter egg for Amell DAO players. The writers were explicitly throwing a bone to existing Cullen fans, who at this point were overwhelmingly mage origin players who’d experienced Cullen crushing on their character and got attached to him as a result. In this orchestrated context, Cullen’s reminiscences are intentionally and directly linked to his romantic feelings, and his mental separation of her from mages et al actually denote that Cullen has put Amell on a pedestal, and is idolising his memories of her. 

Considering the context and implications of this exchange, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for players to infer at this point that Cullen has unrealistic and possibly obsessive tendencies towards the mage Warden.

That’s the only mention of f!mage we get in DA2, despite the wealth of character insight the game gives us into Cullen’s 7-year annus horribilis. But what about during DAI, after Cullen has undergone his so-called ‘retcon’ into an acceptable human being? How does he feel about f!mage a full 10 years after their last canon interaction, now he’s left the Tempalr order and been deradicalised of his least palatable opinions?

Yet again, the writers are generous with the bones they throw to those original mage Warden DAO players. We, as Inquisitor, get the opportunity to probe Cullen when the topic of the Hero of Ferelden comes up. Not having managed to play through DAI with the correct worldstate yet, I have none of my own dialogue screenshots on hand, and will have to direct you to a youtube video of the exchange (keep in mind that this conversation is with a ROMANCED Inquisitor):

Inquisitor: If you don’t mind my asking... the Hero of Ferelden was a Circle mage. Did you know her?

Cullen: I attended her Harrowing, actually. She was a lovely woman.

Inquisitor: ...“Lovely?”

Cullen: There was some... youthful infatuation on my part. A feeling I had forsaken until recently.

Inquisitor: You never acted on it?

Cullen: She was one of my charges. Even if she felt the same, it would have been... inappropriate. I saw her once, after she became a Warden. She freed the Tower during the Blight - I would be dead or mad if not for her. I was in a sorry state when she found me. The things I said were... unkind. Untoward. I regret them now. I wish she knew that.

This exchange is a cornucopia of hidden gems. Cullen’s tone is wistful, fond, a little sad. In general, I really do agree that Cullen sounds like he has a sane and stable handle on his historic trauma by this point in the series, and his evaluation of the way he and f!mage parted is self-aware and fair. His use of the words infatuation and inappropriate echo his language from DAO and give legitimacy and consistency to his character arc. But it does amuse me that he’s still throwing out unsolicited compliments like “she was a lovely woman”, and to his CURRENT GIRLFRIEND at that. And what’s this about “a feeling I had forsaken until recently”? Is he actually implying that he’s had no romantic feelings for anyone between f!mage stealing his heart and getting together with the Inquisitor? No dates? No relationships? Not even any interest in anyone else at all for 10 freaking years? That’s really not helping the ‘not obsessive’ meter. It’s also eerily similar to his pedestalling “never met her like again” comment from DA2.

Then we have a snippet of banter around the War Table which only occurs if you imported a worldstate where Leliana romanced the f!mage Warden. Again, I will have to rely on the kindness of others and direct you to a video that isn’t mine:

Cullen: So you and, er...

Leliana: Yes?

Cullen: Was she - I mean, did she ever...

Leliana: Are you asking for details?

Cullen: I-ah - no! That would be... inappropriate. 

Of course, f!mage is never mentioned by name, but by the use of the running joke inappropriate coupled with Cullen’s stuttering, stumbling speech which echoes his earliest DAO introduction, it’s clear what we’re meant to infer. Did she ever... what? Ask about Cullen? Bring him up? Discuss her memories of the Tower? Want to see him again? Bioware knew exactly what they were doing with this snippet. Those who know, know. Those who don’t, don’t. But it does indicate that even though 10 years have passed, Cullen is still preoccupied with f!mage, and is noticeably concerned about her opinion of him. As before, he reacts appropriately (heh) by dropping the subject... but he just couldn’t help but ask, the same way he couldn’t help but tell on himself all those years ago.

(Of course, if f!mage died fighting the Archdemon in your particular canon, it adds a different and very sad facet to his wistful musings. Cullen’s last memory of her would be that terrible interaction after the disaster at the Tower, and consequently there will never be a chance for him to gain closure, leaving him full of grief and regret. That sort of thing can really mess a person up - and incidentally, it’s much easier to pedastalise a dead person than a living one. No wonder he was too traumatised to love again for a decade. Honestly this possibility is just tragic.)

This juncture seems the opportune place to bring up the controversial subject of decanonised or canon-adjacent material, which often paints a darker interpretation of Cullen. Sheryl Chee, who wrote for Cullen in DAO, made the following statements about her vision of the character in a messageboard discussion with fans after DAO’s release (relevant comments on pages 2 - 7):

I’d say he starts out tragically oppressed with some tendencies towards creepy stalker (I think you’d have to be, to be a templar). He ends up, I believe, completely broken mentally and emotionally and hates both himself and the femMagePC. I think nothing, not even love, can redeem him. He’s too far gone. Of course, that’s not canon, it’s just my take on it, and I revel in the angst and the pain.

Despite Sheryl’s own assertion that her comments aren’t canon, obviously opinions from the writer herself hold a lot of weight, and it’s important to realise that this quote was a strong influence on fandom’s divided opinions on Cullen. If this was where Sheryl was coming from during development, however, I do feel like something must have got a little lost in translation between her initial writing of the character and Cullen’s VO direction and in-game depiction. Maybe it’s my bias, and you’re free to draw your own conclusions based on the facts presented, but in my opinion her description bears no resemblance to the Cullen we actually experience, in-game, during the mage origin of DAO. You can’t claim that a romance between Cullen and f!mage would be “very quick, very violent, and only undertaken as a way to get her out of his system” alongside a voice acting direction that describes him as “sincere and sweet”. Make your mind up! No wonder people got mixed messages and everyone’s arguing with each other!

Sheryl’s further posts regarding the matter also contradict herself:

I did imagine him to be a young, fairly normal kid torn between his hormones and his duty. Like a more serious Alistair. Later on we decided we needed a templar survivor in the post-Uldred tower, and since people seem to enjoy it when they see people from their past, I decided to make it Cullen. In the beginning, he is sympathetic to the mages, but he comes away very changed by the things Uldred and the demons do to him.

As for the creepy stalker tendencies--er... I think that may have been started by David Gaider's little Cullen Romance snippet. I never imagined him as a creepy stalker.

Given this clarification, I feel we ought to take her initial comments with a sizeable grain of salt - but people do use these quotes to justify the darker reading of Cullen, so I think it’s important to note that not even Sheryl herself was serious or consistent about it.

I think the problem here is that there was undoubtedly some playing around with Cullen’s trajectory in the writers room, and those aborted arcs have been set free on the internet and absorbed into people’s interpretation of the main canon (not helped by Cullen’s legitimate spiral into radicalisation during DA2). Sheryl Chee’s darker vision was echoed in the infamous (and latterly decanonised as ‘false rumours’) DAO epilogue that claims Cullen had a psychotic break and slaughtered three apprentices:

The young templar Cullen never quite recovered from his ordeal. After months of attempting to convince his superiors that the tower was still a danger, he finally snapped and killed three apprentices before being stopped by his fellow templars. Eventually, Cullen escaped from prison, a madman and a threat to any mage he encountered.

Again, it was decanonised. But again, it does add fuel to the fire.

Then we have a datamined line of voice acting from DAI here (timestamp 1:57) which has Leliana angrily reacting to a messenger bringing news of what appears to be Cullen nagging for details about the mage Warden, similar to their earlier and much more restrained War Table banter. No names are mentioned, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume we’re covering the same old ground here:

Leliana: I thought this obsession was over! Has he been drinking? 

Agent: I don’t know; I’m just the messenger.

Leliana: Tell him to drop it! I am not going to discuss what she was like!

Welp, she actually uses the word obsession. Again, this was presumably cut for a reason, and I guess it’s because it didn’t gel with Cullen’s deradicalised and softer character trajectory.

However, these abandoned arcs do indicate that there was a lot of concept-stage (and even development stage) flirting with the darker depictions of Cullen, and that’s undoubtedly where the arguments stem from. A lot of these concepts have filtered into the fandom consciousness, especially now DAO is a 12-year-old game that not everyone wants to actually play to see for themselves what’s true and what’s false. In that respect, I really can’t fault anyone for using these secondary-source snippets in their character interpretation of Cullen, since you could argue there’s plenty of evidence in the actual gameplay that dovetails with it.

So, my answer to the ask? No, it’s canon that there was no discernable relationship between Cullen and f!mage at the Tower, regardless of whether your character flirts with him, and his behaviour during that time indicates responsibility more than predation. As to whether Cullen exhibits obsessive behaviour to the female mage Warden after their separation? Well... this one’s trickier. I think it’s clear that whatever feelings he once held were exploited and warped through severe trauma and abuse, and that he did unrealistically romanticise his memory of her while he was going through his most fragile mental period in DA2. However, I think it’s also clear that his grasp of the situation is far more realistic and grounded by the time DAI rolls around, though he still holds a harmless torch for an old flame.

Those are my conclusions, though. My parting words are that it’s up to your own interpretation. You now have all the facts, canon, canon-adjacent or decanonised, and you can conclude from them what you wish. 

Typical. Four and a half thousand words just to say that.

[thechekhov]

Alright, alright, I caved.

After a slot opened up in me to be able to take on another show emotionally, I decided to invest in OwlHouse. I thought I would probably like it, but it won me over faster than I thought it would.

I’ve already watched a few episodes, but I realized that it might be more fun to do liveblogs, so here I am - with a liveblog...

I will be doing this episode by episode, and probably releasing them every once in a while. Everything will be under a cut, however, to save you all dash space.

If you’d like to follow, please track the #chekhov watches owlhouse tag!

(I’d also like to dedicate this post to the Tumblr Staff Rob, who did his best to restore this post for me when tumblr queue ate it.)

Without further ado...

Episode 1!!

Fair warning - this is technically not a ‘live’ blog, because I have already watched some of the show before deciding to do this, but I’ll still react to them to round things out.

Immediately, this reminds me of Little Witch Academia... Anyone? No? Only me? I feel like maybe I’m getting my wires crossed, but there HAD to have been some inspiration taken from there?

“No-- my only weakness! Dying!!“

Same, big snake monster. Same.

Oh, backup snakes? This girl is READY.

Please don’t mistreat the snakes.

Spider breath... This kid is on my wavelength. That griffin seems to be waiting to be put out of its misery though, and I don’t blame it.

My child... where did you get that pigeon head though.....

Nurse mother, do you REALLY think signing up your spider-summoning daughter for summer camp will actively make her antics slow down instead of ramp up to 60?

Awww, baby makes AMVs... But also, NO ONE TOLD YOU TO THROW AWAY THE BOOK??? I know it’s symbolic, but goodness, isn’t that a bit much???

wait a sec, is that Eda????

Love the realistic bilingual kid experience of replying in English when your mom talks to you in your native language. Universal.

Love this introduction of Eda’s character. She’s got that little green scarf on and everything. Like a tiny trash grandma.

Oooh, okay, let’s extrapolate...

Lots of bones everywhere. I kinda love the aesthetic here - it’s gross and visceral, kind of like what Luz was making with her school projects. Yet in the middle of it all we have a rather clear gothic looking structure. Is this a power imbalance in the supposed kingdom?

The five circles of stained glass seem to perhaps indicate something like Hogwarts houses? Several different types of magic?

But Luz has no reason to freak out as much as she is - she LOVES weird stuff! Haha... No, I kid, I kid. I get it.

“Am I in the bad place?“

Eyyyyy, gotta love shows referencing other shows. :)

“Oh dear child... I’m not like you.”

Wow, what a DRAMATIC reveal for some pointy ears. :) I love her.

We should all aspire to have such cool and stylistically well put together wanted posters. You can tell the commissioned artist really respects her craft.

Steven Universe fans watching this:

I’m looking too.

Okay, okay, enough shenanigans, let’s have some LORE.

I love this landscape. Teeth or bones, or whatever they are, this is one of the more unique settings we’ve gotten, though maybe I’m prejudiced because I love body horror and bones. The darker orange and red themes fit really well here.

Things I’m desperate for: Giraffe Lore 

Things I’m more desperate for: Eda lore. Why do her limbs fall off? Is she a zombie?

Things I’m not quite as desperate for: Hooty lore. He can keep that to himself.

well hello there mysterious chekhov’s glyph which will DEFINITELY not be relevant in the second chapter (or end of season? Maybe? Idk it just seems important).

Ah, yes. That would have been my reaction as well, to be fair. Somehow I didn’t expect to see this guy so early on. I figured he would be a low stress early villain that got assimilated into the Found Family. Kinda psyched that he’s just there from the start.

....I’m just gonna presume this is all true and accept it at face value.

Old Escape The Cops Lady and Tiny Little Demon King, I need your backstory. How did you meet.

I love looking at background details, because like... you can tell the BG artists had fun. I particularly love how the 3 eyed toad doesn’t actually have any reward attached to her. Though the Knife Baby does intrigue me!

“I write fanfics of food falling in love.”

Why am I being called out...

“Noo! My weak nerd arms!”

Finally, a realistic portrayal of a protagonist thrust into a fantasy setting!

.....................

Okay but. If only humans could pass through the barrier... wouldn’t that mean a human had to have deposited those things in there? Do they have a human on staff in this weird pseudo-prison??? Suspicious....

Confession - when I initially saw ads for this show, I expected Eda to be a villain, not a loveable middle aged witch aunt figure. I am shockingly even MORE drawn to her this way. I expected betrayal. I expected her to be a lowkey threat?? But no. She’s just wholesome in the way a solid raccoon is.

“Eda, are you okay?!”

“Yeah, this just happens when you get older...”

“........does it..?”

If I had to pinpoint the exact moment this show won me over...... it would probably be this one.

I know it’s probably the wrong thing to focus on, but what is that insignia? Wings??? Like.... the kind OWLS HAVE?????

COINCIDENCE??? I THINK NOT!!!

I’m really loving the landscape here. And those fireworks are... hmm... intricate?

Gotta love the old tried and true Witch Apprentice Actually A Live In Intern trope. :)

Hold up...

Is that

Is that Hooty? I thought he was just a door....

Eda: This is my room for human stuff. I will also put my human in there.

. . .

Overall rating: I think this is a cute overall beginning. The prison break went hard! I enjoyed the characters and it kind of surprised me in a lot of ways. It definitely does a great job setting up a world with a lot more to explore while giving us a small taste of cool magic stuff and witchy battles. :)

Now on to Episode 2!!

Read the liveblogs in order by clicking here!

[greensaplinggrace]

So you mentioned in another post that you have some strong thoughts on Baghra, especially about how the story frames her as one of the good guys. I would love to hear about it.

@youremotionallystablefriend: I would love to hear you rant about Baghra if you feel like it (and haven’t already)! Personally I don’t think she gets enough constructive critique in the fandom for being the one that brought Aleks up and for the way she treated her pupils and especially Alina :/

Anon: Hello! I love your thoughts on the grisha books. I'm actually interested to hear your take on Baghra

@misku-nimfa: If you are up for it, I would love to read your thoughts on Baghra or your full critique of society in the Grishaverse. Your analysis is really well structured and interesting! ^.^

Anon: Hi! I saw your recent post and was wondering if you'd share more of your thoughts on Baghra?

---

Hello everyone! I was honestly very surprised to see so many people interested in my thoughts on Baghra? I'll share what I can, but please know that this is by no means a full breakdown of her character! It’s just some Thoughts I’ve had, and they’re mostly centered around show Baghra because that’s how I was first introduced to her character. Although IMO book Baghra might actually be even worse.

I’d like to preface this by saying that many of my issues with the treatment of Baghra as a character in fandom come from the wild double standard there seems to be regarding her and the Darkling. Darkling Antis and a vast majority of the people in this fandom who don’t like his character have a disturbing habit of absolutely ripping into the Darkling for all of his faults and then turning around and treating Baghra as some sort of pristine mother figure for the exact same shit.

They’ll talk about how badass she is, how strong she is, how they sympathize with her past (although they’ll continue to dehumanize the Darkling and refuse to sympathize with his own past) and sympathize with the fact that she has to deal with the Darkling (who’s always referred to as a monster she must corral or control, as if he is inhumane and beastly. These particular comments always take on the very distinct tone of victim blaming as well). They’ll laud her for all of these “powerful girlboss” moments as if they aren’t carbon copies of the Darkling’s own behavior - as if they aren’t things Baghra herself taught him. Which is why this is the wildest double standard of all to me, because every horrible action they praise Baghra for is something she taught the Darkling, and something they cannot stand to see in him as well.

It’s as if there’s a disconnect between their consumption of the literature when it comes to the two characters, and I’m of the opinion that it’s largely because Baghra is a woman and a mother and therefore infantilized in the fandom quite a bit. In fact, Bardugo herself often infantilizes many of her female characters in her writing. This is mostly through the process of excusing their terrible deeds, not allowing them to do anything remotely dark, or brushing any morally grey actions under the rug without ever touching upon them. Which puts me in the strange position of knowing I’m supposed to sympathize with Baghra for having to deal with the monster she’s created, and instead feeling resentful of the fact that this bitter woman is held up as this wise old strict teacher instead of the abusive mentor/mother she should have been.

Now, here’s what I said to make so many of you send me asks:

Last note, in reference to your first line, and also probably a pretty unpopular opinion. I do not like Baghra. And it legit has nothing to do with the Darkling or with Alina, I just don't like her "I'm going to hit you and berate you and emotionally abuse you and manipulate you and act like the good guy at the end of it" vibe she's got going on. At least Aleksander is acknowledged as the villain within the narrative. Idk wtf Baghra is on but it's absolutely wild to me that people aren't more critical of her actions. Which is, rather fortunately for you, another rant I will save for another post if anybody ever wants to hear it lol. (but like kudos to Baghra's actress. I loved the character as a character, I just don't like the way she's framed as a good guy. Weird. Uncomfortable. She literally set bees on the kids she was teaching).

This basically summarizes most of my thoughts on Baghra as a character and how she’s portrayed. I touched on it a bit above, but the way she’s able to get away with so much and not suffer under heavier critique is honestly baffling to me. There should be a lot more criticism of her out there in the fandom. This is the woman who abused her students and neglected her son. Although to be honest I don’t even know how to quite describe the emotionally neglectful yet unhealthily codependent bond she fostered in him from a young age. IMO, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander is creepy, and I know she has a history that makes it more understandable, but it’s still incredibly disconcerting to witness.

But let’s get back on track! First of all, her students. Whom she physically, emotionally, and mentally abuses. She’s derisive, she’s insulting, she’s belittling. She works hard to strip them of any self confidence they may have. She uses pain as a means of triggering powers. And the strict teacher excuse doesn’t fly. The “it’s only a training method!” excuse is even worse. This is literal abuse she’s heaping on her students and it’s wretched.

The first thing she does to Alina when they first meet is insult her. Then she hits her. Then she kicks her out.

Second time they interact is a montage. Baghra hits Alina multiple times. She shames her. And then when Alina actually calls a light she tells her it’s not nearly enough, effectively wiping the smile off of her face and every sign of self confidence that had been building. Then we see the door to Baghra’s hut shut in Alina’s face. So now she has been bruised, battered, berated, stripped of all self confidence, and then banished again. As training methods go, this is not only entirely ineffective, but it’s also just abusive.

Then we get this interaction between Alina and her friends:

Marie: One time, Baghra released a hive of bees on me. Nadia: Worst part is, it worked. Marie: It really did. I could summon at will after that.

Which is fucking horrifying and not talked about nearly enough. That goes beyond hitting your students. Baghra used a fear tactic on a young girl to activate her powers. She literally tortured Marie to make her powers work.

Alina throughout this conversation is looking very disheartened. She’s lacking in any self confidence and the comment about the bees has clearly affected her. For someone who’s first words to Alina were “Everyone believes that you are the one. Come back when you believe it too,”  Baghra doesn’t exactly seem keen on Alina actually believing she’s the one. If she did, she wouldn’t be stripping her of every positive emotion associated with sun summoning.

Let’s not forget that Baghra demeans Alina multiple times for her status as an orphan. How she utilizes what she knows of Alina’s emotional weaknesses to provoke her and discourage her and make her angry.

And then Baghra drugs her without consent. To take advantage of any information Alina gives her in that state. To use the way Alina reacts for her own ends.

Because why else would she say this?:

Alina: We planned to run away together. Baghra: You had plans. Perhaps he never did, because where is he now?

Which is, strangely enough, the same sense of isolation and separation from Mal and her past that Aleksander is attempting to foster. Weird how mother and son are both using the same manipulation tactics.

In fact, why does Baghra never tell Alina about the letters until she’s already engaged with Aleksander? Baghra must have known he was taking them. Alina talks about it enough. Baghra must have known he was isolating her from Mal. How could she not, when it’s revealed later that she has spies in the Little Palace collecting information on him? How could she not, when she knows he’s the villain from the beginning - when she knows he’s manipulating Alina?

Baghra knows, and yet she keeps the same lies Aleksander does and furthermore uses that information to make Alina feel even more isolated and weak. Baghra literally just piggy-backs on Aleksander’s manipulation and then exacerbates it. She wants Alina to feel no attachments to her past because she wants to use Alina as well. But for some reason, because this manipulation and treatment of Alina as some sort of tool is done by the woman who opposes the Darkling, it’s suddenly okay. As if it still isn’t the same terrible shit but with a different perpetrator. I mean damn, at least Aleksander feels something for Alina. Baghra’s just cold.

So, point by point. Baghra mentions how Mal doesn’t care for Alina, she mentions Alina’s failings constantly, she mentions Alina being an orphan, she constantly hits her, she guilts Alina about orphans dying, she works to instill a sense of isolation from her friends and her family.

And when Alina finally comes to Baghra, having decided to abandon her attachments to her past and her attachments to Mal, the words that ring in her head are Baghra's words - “needing anyone else is weak.”  Which is honestly just a horrible sentiment in general, but an even worse one when considering how hard these people are working to detach Alina from anybody who can help her or give her an outside perspective.

Strangely, it’s also similar to this line:

The problem with wanting, is that it makes us weak.

...which is spoken by Baghra’s son. You know, the Darkling? Our big bad villain? The one Baghra raised?

Which gives me the impression that Baghra’s teaching methods with her students are really not that far off from the teaching methods she used on him as he was growing up. It’s a horrifying thought, and leads into my problems with her relationship with Aleksander.

First of all, show wise. What the fuck.

Aleksander: They’re punishing us for being Grisha. Baghra: Punishing you. You made him afraid. Now he wants you to fear him. Aleksander: I won a war for him. Baghra: And in doing so, started a war on us.

I get that she’s trying to convey how the king feels here, but it still feels incredibly victim blamey from a narrative standpoint. It isn’t Aleksander’s fault the king fears him when he used his powers under the King’s banner to help him win a war. Aleksander trusted this man who betrayed him and then betrayed his people, and we get a line from his mother, entirely unsympathetic, talking about how it’s his fault all of these people are dying.

Baghra: Where’s the girl, your healer? Aleksander: Dead. She died because of me. Baghra: She died because they always do. They’re not as strong as you and me.

Baghra’s use of the term ‘girl’ and ‘healer' here instead of Luda is pretty telling. She either doesn’t like Luda or doesn’t care for her. Either way, this is the woman her son loves, and Baghra talks about her so dispassionately. Then he comments on Luda’s death and there’s no reaction except to say that they always do.

Like, her son is literally broken up over here. Grieving. Desperate. Run ragged. Caged and hunted. Feeling guilty as hell. Mind running through a million different ways he could possibly save all of these people. And Baghra offers him nothing except a paltry “people die, get over it, we’re better than that, she didn’t matter anyway.”

Honestly, how is Aleksander even still functioning at this point? He has no support system and he’s working against a king and his army to protect a group of civilians he could easily abandon to save himself. The sheer amount of responsibility and mental strain keeping track of a group alone entails is already monstrous, but adding in every other factor? The recent death of Luda, the fact that they’re cornered and they’ve been hunted down while fleeing across the land, the fact that he was just a couple hours ago forced to his knees and entirely at these men’s mercy, begging for Luda’s life. And here his mother is, if anything a negative support system. Offering no other ideas, telling him to give up hope, not even offering the barest smidgeon of emotional support as he grieves, putting everything on his shoulders.

It pisses me the fuck off.

Aleksander: You’re the one who taught me how to kill, mother. Their blood is on your hands as much as mine.  Baghra: I taught you so you could protect yourself. Not them.

Once more, Baghra highlights how he needs to protect himself. How he should abandon the people he’s protecting. How he shouldn't help others and only ever himself. Once more, she says it’s my way or the high way. There’s zero effort to work with him. Zero effort to sympathize or compromise. She’s constantly pushing him to take the one option she knows he won’t take. The hell did she think was going to happen?

Also, Baghra taught him how to kill. Not necessarily great parenting, but understandable given the circumstances of his upbringing. But the level to which she takes it is honestly concerning. Like, look no further than this woman to see where Aleksander got it from lol.

Baghra also forbids him from using Merzost. Which is great and all, she gets to claim the moral high ground. But she doesn’t offer a single alternative except to flee and let everybody die. There was legitimately no other option to Merzost except for torture and death. If there was, Baghra sure as hell didn’t help Aleksander come up with one. Aleksander, who - by the way - is in no fit emotional state to be making any kind of decision right now.

So anyways, that’s just my tv show grief regarding Baghra, and it’s not even really all of it. I don’t want to make this an hour long read though lmao. But I’ll go over a few other things.

First of all, Baghra’s whole “We’re the only two that matter. We have to do whatever we can to protect ourselves,” mentality is one that she actively touts to Aleksander on a regular basis when he’s incredibly young. It’s honestly a wonder he grows up to care about other people at all. But the mentality itself is something Aleksander still heavily internalized in regards to protecting himself and those he deems worthy at any cost.

There’s a moment in the books when Aleksander is attacked and nearly drowned by some kids who wanted his bones (one of which was a close friend of his). He uses the cut in self defense and then blames the nearby Otkazat’sya village. Baghra knows he’s lying, and yet she allows an entire village to get slaughtered for harming him. This is a disproportionately violent act that Baghra approves of, and Aleksander as a kid is definitely internalizing that mindset.

Also, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander has always been weirdly possessive and controlling. Especially when it comes to the people he loves. Her actions often come across as her trying to isolate him in order to keep him by her side, even when the relationships he has are clearly intimate. Which... is especially strange for a mother to be doing to her son.

She was also an extremely emotionally neglectful mother. Based on the show and what I gathered from her actions there, I’m actually half convinced she was physically abusive as well, in that “I think I’m being a stern, good parent figure when in reality I’m actually harming my child” kind of way. She fosters codependence with her son and then refuses to provide for any of his emotional needs. She drives it into his head that everybody dies, that he’ll always be alone, that love is useless and power is everything. She denies him the opportunity to be soft and works to harden him at a young age. She tells him he must never allow people to touch him, except she doesn’t work to supplement those physical needs in any way. She essentially abuses him.

Honestly, I could go on. But in reality the simple fact is that I just don’t like her. I think she’s a hypocrite. I think she’s abusive. I think she’s a terrible mentor and an even worse mother. And I think the fandom and the books are willing to brush aside so many of her faults simply because she opposes the Darkling.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you guys were looking for! It sounds like a lot of you wanted a more of a sophisticated breakdown, but my thoughts on Baghra come with a heap of emotional baggage lol. It feels weird to say this now, but I actually do like the character as a character, I just,,, don’t like her in every other aspect. My feelings on Baghra are just a bit personal, to be honest. But hopefully this was at least comprehensible??

[saintobio]

Well Saint you have broken my heart with that last chapter was amazing by the way, I really feel for out girl Y/n because she is right not matter what she does people always give her shit for it wither it be friends or family and that phone call from Momojo was really out of line I hope someone puts her in her place soon because she needs to she the light and I have a theory and sorry if this sounds all screwed up I am like half awake so for the first since you left it off with the letter about Sachi's custody I think that Y/n would win it because doesn't Ian and Gen still have evidence against him to what he did/treated Y/n in the beginning of there marriage in SN and that it self it going to be messy but honestly I just want Everyone x Therpay to endgame because some people need it, if you make Gojohime endgame I could see it but then I can't because if Gojo gets to move like that with no problems I don't think it's fare because Y/n will have to watch him move on with her former bestie like that shit is a tough pill to swallow and also the fact both Gojo and Utahime get to a actually fall in love is kinda heart breaking while Y/N just is in the background witching them I think she would still be supportive but still depressed I mean she had her son taken away( in this theory he won the custody case), watch her former ex husband and best friend live there happily ever after while just get... nothing I hope our girl Y/N can pull threw for the sake of Sachrio and to be honest I don't know who I want to be endgame but my heart tell me GojoYN for ever, so they can eat fried chicken with there little muchiikn and Saint if you want and you don't have to can you give us one picture like a hint to what is going to happen next chapter I hope work is going well for you and everything else to can't wait for the next chapter so that you can make me cry so more😭😢

aaaaaah the way you’re writing this ask makes me feel guilty for all the angst i’ll put u guys through 😭

Anonymous said

I just can't imagine how lonely yn must feel, with everyone being against or being disapproving with her. I understand Gojos anger, but ultimately I will always be on yns side. She tries so hard to make up for 1 mistake she made (some would say she was in the right) and still people antagonize her so much. None of this would have happened, if their marriage didn't got fucked over by everyone, including Gojo. I just want her and sachi to be happy😭💔. BTW funny how Sera was the catalyst AGAIN 💀

Anonymous said

I hate that the world rewards bad people and punishes good people like yn 😭😭😭that’s so fucked up pls i hope this has a cathartic ending esp with all the depression and heavy themes and angst in it. Idc if it’s a good or a bad ending, I just hope it’s cathartic. We all need it tbh 💀💔

Anonymous said

genuinely you’re the only fucking writer who makes me angry in the best way possible, like i have never felt so much fucking rage in my whole entire life except for when i read your work, AND NOT IN A BAD WAY, like a “i hate these bitches and how they treat yn” WAY, BECAUSE I SEE YN AS A DIFFERENT CHARACTER AND I GET SO EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED THAT WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS I GET SO MAD OR UPSET AND AHHHHHHHH IM SO ANGRY satoru literally remembers all the shit he put her through and still went “yeah fuck this bitch, she deserves to have her whole life destroyed because /I/ traumatised her and made her think that telling me our son was dead was her only way of escaping my abuse.”

i genuinely hope yn ends up with toji, or even just fixes her relationship with him and they just do that best friends who get married for stability thing, LIKE A PLATONIC MARRIAGE, this girls first marriage was so shit she needs a taste of a healthy loving marriage even if it’s platonically. also hope ian helps yn out with this legal business, fuck satoru fr i don’t give two shits about his ass. idc if he was depressed from potentially losing his child, he needs to realise these are the consequences of his own actions, no way in hell would yn ever have suggested faking an abortion if it wasn’t for his abuse AND his possession over her, genuinely sometimes it felt like he thought he owned her just cuz she had his last name and his child in her womb…

please let me know if anything i said was out of line, i got a little emotional and frustrated towards the end lmfaooo

YOU GUYS IM SORRYJF :(( all my yns really suffer…. this isn’t new. let’s just hope she’s gonna end up happy soon 😫

Anonymous said

saint this is u rn: "happy ending for my yns? what's that? here, take this cup full of pain and suffering instead, together with a side of tragic"

i hate how i started reading this series because i had hope that this was just a very angsty fic that's gonna have a happy ending but now... im on a high speed floorless rollercoaster ride with no way to get off 🙃 i can't believe i got myself into this mess, i don't read fics with heavy angst and unhappy endings because that's like a double blow to me but this series is so addictive i- 🥲

btw can i say that im very impressed with your vocabulary and way of writing :O how you managed to juggle your work and personal life as a fanfic writer with high quality works is beyond me. thank u for the recent chapter and i hope you are taking a break before writing for the next one!!

thank u!!!! it’s def a struggle, esp these days since my work has become twice more hectic than it was :’( but i hope you’ll continue to enjoy what i put out (and yes this one’s a rollercoaster 😛 my poor yn will be tested)

Anonymous said

omg saintttttt dgskekwlwk

first of all,,,, THE RECENT CHAPTERWW WAS VERY 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻😭😭 though i didn't cry, i felt like throwing up(literally pls i think i'm sick😷) pls momjo makes me so mad i wanna slap her til i break my hands😡 CAN U PLS RESURRECT YN'S MOM WITH UR AUTHOR POWERS PLESS I WILL PAY WITH MY SOUL😭😭😭😭

my cousin wrote a poem(it hurts ssjsk) and it made me think of if/when gjhm endgame and it ends in a wedding😭 pls the poem was soooooooo gooood like djslalhsk. she knows abt sn/sy btw but she hasn't been updated though. she was shooked when i told her that it reminds me of sy(you'll get it when u read the poem) jgahagah i wanna share the poem but its in tagalog though dhdksk and idk how to translate it properly plss😢 buut maybe i'll share it if i get her permission so yeahhhhh

crying and throwing up right with u, yn truly does need her mom atp 😭😭 and oooh a poem :’) i’d love to read that one day!!

Anonymous said

hi, saint! thank you for writing a good-to-cry fiction idk it feels really nostalgic to ready your fic after all of the businesses in my life, please keep writing you always doing great 💕 as someone who wanted gojoyn’s endgame the thing i have imagined before sincerely yours was written is finally happening 😭😭😭😭😭 i can’t hold myself to cry and if in the end they weren’t together i’ll admit it, it’s the best way for them to live. because twin-flames isn’t always meant to be together. i just hope they got a proper closure to end their story and learn from it. once again i thank you to make me feel things when i was confused about how i felt 😭😭😭😭💕💕💕💕

p.s. lmfao sera 🤭🤣

tbh i just run to sy whenever i’m feeling angsty with life bc i tend to dump all my emotions in this fic HSJDJD if it gets too emotional, that means i’m going through a rly tough period in my life :))

[cube-cumb3r]

The Means Reflect On The Ends Actually, (c!Dream & the conditioning of Exile)

What was the point of exile, storywise? What does it say about c!Dream? Sure, it’s showcasing how far he’s willing to go to achieve his own ends, but I don't think all discussion about what exile tells us about c!Dream should start and end there.

Dream is not cruel for cruelty’s sake. Dream’s end goal is not to hurt as many people as possible. He views his cruelty are “necessary evils”, and he doesn’t dwell much on whether the things he does are “good” or “bad”. He’s fully aware he’s hurting people and he ultimately thinks that hurting people, to the extent that he does, is worth it. That being said, while Dream has an ends justify the means mindset, but the truth is, the means absolutely reflect on the ends. His true intentions aren’t a mystery, it’s very clear in the text that his ultimate goal is unity, but why does he want unity? And what would said unity entail?

(Before this essay starts I have to do an ad break to promo @daggryet's very helpful [transcriptions from the exile streams], which I'll be using a lot of. Thanks for the very helpful resource.)

TW: Relatively extensive discussion abt the abuse in exile arc & the effects of said abuse.

Firstly, I don't think you should deny his relationship to control. A through-line of his character is achieving harmony through control, and more specifically, obedience. There’s a reason why he tends to single out Tommy the most. It’s not actually because Tommy is remarkably more troublesome than anyone else on the server, but rather, because his disruptive nature is at Dream’s expense. Tommy is the only character who’s consistently over and over again refused to respect Dream’s authority, and though he isn’t particularly threatening on his own, it’s the sentiment itself that’s dangerous. Similarly, this is why he has consistently targeted L’manburg, moreso than any other faction on the server such as, say, Badlands, El Rapids. It’s almost as if they represented the sentiment, “Hey, why are we listening to you anyway? Why can’t we be listening to anyone else?”, which is why he crushed them, over, and over again. What if everyone figures out they can just stop listening to him? What then?

We talk a lot about the effects exile had on Tommy, and rightfully so, but we don’t talk enough about what Dream was actually doing. What was the purpose of exile? Was it just a way to get closer to the discs? Just a means to an end? What was the end?

TOMMY: What, what could you possibly want more from me? You’ve tortured me.

DREAM: I’m just keeping an eye on you, Tommy.

TOMMY: What does that mean?!

DREAM: I’m just, I’m making sure that you’re not up to no good.

TOMMY: But, how, you’ve exiled me, you fucking stupid, manipulative fucking green bastard!

DREAM: I know! And you know why I did that?

TOMMY: Yes? 

DREAM: No, you know why?

TOMMY: Why?

DREAM: Because you don’t listen to me ever, you’re the only person who doesn’t ever listen to me. If I tell you to do something, you’re like “no, fuck you!”, and you go and like do like the exact opposite.

[full transcription]

As much as I have to preface this with that this is speculative and we may not have any irrefutable confirmation, I think it's very likely that it's literally just what Dream is saying he's doing. Tommy is the one person who refuses to listen to him, and he wants him to listen. Exile was not only conditioning Tommy to believe that nobody other than Dream cares about him, not only conditioning Tommy to be entirely reliant on him, but also conditioning Tommy to listen to him, without question, without disobeying. And that is such a significant and reoccurring motif for it to arguably just be the intended reading of exile.

Abuse is a vague term that encompasses a lot of abusive practices. There are a good handful that apply to exile, I'm sure if you ask someone qualified they'll be able to provide you a nice handy list, but ultimately, all of them target Tommy's own sense of agency and autonomy, and it all revolves around power and control. Dream creates rituals purely to disarm him, threatens him and punishes him when he doesn't listen, and rewards him when he complies (or rather, conditions Tommy into thinking that not being punished is a reward).

TOMMY: [begins throwing his armor and axe down for DREAM to explode.]

DREAM: No, no, it’s fine.

TOMMY: Re-really?

DREAM: Yeah. Today’s the party, right?

---

TOMMY: So when can I- no, I wanna go back. I… hey, thanks for letting me keep my armour today.

DREAM: You’re welcome.

TOMMY: Kinda nice of you.

[full transcription]

Dream isn’t only hurting Tommy for the sake of hurting him. People tend to frame it as if Dream Just Hates Tommy, but that’s not true. He finds Tommy fun, in a twisted way. There are a lot of moments in exile where they’re both on very good terms and Dream is friendly with Tommy. But, it's also all part of horror of exile, making Tommy reliant on him and his company, getting him to doubt his sense of reality, making him question whether his friends back in L’manburg ever cared about him at all, and possibly questioning whether he’s imagining the abuse as well, Dream is so kind to him after all, why would he ever want to hurt him?

Over the course of exile Tommy agency and sense of self start to deteriorate as well as his mental health, he starts worrying about what Dream would think, starts asking Dream for permission, going out of his way to avoid upsetting him, his only friend, his only reliable caring companion.

TOMMY: Yeah, so I’m thinking we- and then I can- but the thing is; so recently my buddy, Dream, has been doing this thing where he, uhm… it makes sense, though, because I’m not in his land anymore, but he takes my shit from me, so I need to make sure- […]

---

RANBOO: Yeah, so what do you say- does Dream like take your armor? Is that what you said?

TOMMY: I don’t know, he just- hey man, I just follow the boss.

[full transcription]

TOMMY: “Visit Techno” no, no, what would Dream think? […]

---

TOMMY: I’ve had a little idea, by the way, and I wanna know what you think, and also if I’m allowed

DREAM: Okay?

[full transcription]

TOMMY: Yeah, I know he’s actually - he’s sort of my- he’s borderline my owner, Big Q, so I’m not really sure.

MEXICAN DREAM: He’s your dad?

TOMMY: No, no-

MEXICAN DREAM: Ey! Ey, Papa Thomas!

TOMMY: No, no, we’re- as in labor.

MEXICAN DREAM: You gotta teach your child some manners.

[full transcription]

Dream’s outburst in exile after finding Tommy’s chests, is arguably one of Dream's most emotionally honest (and reckless) moments in exile considering it was what made Tommy realize he needed to save himself and escape. And it's punishing Tommy for going behind his back and planning to revolt.

TOMMY: I’m really, no, I’m really sorry, though. Why don’t we just pretend this never- yeah, let’s, shall we just pretend this-?

DREAM: Sorry doesn’t cut it, Tommy. Listen, I’ll leave you here to think about what you did-

TOMMY: What about the nether? What about the nether, my friends, what-?

DREAM: No! You can’t go to the nether, no one can come here, you are alone, okay? As soon as I think that you have changed, have become somebody who isn’t going to hide and lie and try and revolt; then people can visit you again. You can go to the nether again. But for now - no, no one can. You- I was being very lenient. Yesterday I let you go into the Dream SMP on a temporary pass, and then what do I find out the next day?

TOMMY: I’m so sorry.

DREAM: I have been nothing but gracious to you. Tommy. Think about what you did.

---

Exile wasn’t only a means to getting closer to the discs or getting Tommy out of the way. Exile was a means to conditioning Tommy into listening and respecting Dream as his superior. Dreams solution to Tommy being disruptive and troublesome was to [physically beat], emotionally abuse, and psychologically condition him into obedience. Only seeing exile as a testament to how far how willing he was go to meet his ends is reductive, and not acknowledging what Dream considers to be a “problem” and what he considers to be “solutions” is to not engage with his worldview. You have to take exile into account and what it actually says about his ideals of harmony and unity.

---

TOMMY: I can’t go back… I can’t go back, and see my friends and see Tubbo. This is a shithole! He wasn’t- he wasn’t here ‘cause he was my friend. He was here to- what did he say on the first day? Got a little bug that he can’t flig off? I’m the only person who never does exactly what he says?

TOMMY: I’m the only person who never does what he says. Me! He said that to me, didn’t he?

TOMMY: He was here to watch me.

[full transcription]

Dream’s relationship to Tommy can (and honestly should) be compared to his relationship to the entire server at large. Not to imply that He Literally Wants To Abuse The Server, but rather the he views the server revolting as a problem, and the solution? Well. The [prison]. The hall of attachments. It’s no surprise that the disc war, a conflict that was initially only primarily between Dream and Tommy*, is suddenly about everyone. Bargaining and blackmailing using attachments, something Dream initially only subjected Tommy to, to keep him under his control, is now a means to control everyone.

Is Dream's goal of unity for the sake of the overall happiness and quality of life of the people living within said unity? I don’t doubt that this at some point in time was true. But, the fact that he’s willing to ruin lives and long-term psychologically destroy people over it, means that his goal isn’t unity for the sake of the people living in his ideal version of the server, but at their expense. Him believing he needs to control people to maintain unity and harmony means that he believes himself to know what's best for people moreso than the people themselves, and therefore he's the only one responsible enough to make decisions for them. And it also means that his motives has warped and twisted overtime, it’s likely that he’s become so fixated on the goal of unity itself that he’s lost track of why he wanted it in the first place.

Anyway. Stop buying into Dream's own self-justification of "ends justify the means" and put his deeply flawed and broken worldview and view of people under a little bit of goddam scrutiny.

[v-hope]

Unscripted

Pairing: Actor!Kim Taehyung x Actress!Reader ft. (mentions of) Park Hyungsik

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 3.1k

Request: “Is this the moment that we kiss? + Taehyung + make it so awkward/cringe as you can and the ending so cute that you might have to throw up from it”

Summary: There might have been a slight change in the script for the k-drama Taehyung and you were starring on, but that did not mean there were any changes when it came to the way you felt towards each other when the cameras weren’t rolling.

A/N: So this was supposed to be a smol drabble but this idea came to my mind and I just went with it 🤧 i hope you guys enjoy!

When Taehyung had signed up to be a part of the next big k-drama coming later that year, starring both you and one of his favourite hyungs, Park Hyungsik, as his co-stars, he had signed up for a love triangle kind of plot, which would end up with him getting the girl in the end.

At least that was what the first script he had been handed to said.

And, as the story went on and your characters’ relationship developed, he could only be confident about that being indeed the outcome for it.

So now, after nearly three months of filming, it was finally the day they would shoot his first kiss with you. Well, his character’s first kiss with yours, to be more specific. Those were the lines he had rehearsed and also what he had emotionally prepared himself for — the idea of getting to kiss those lips of yours he had wanted to get a taste of ever since you first met, being the reason he had gotten little to no sleep the night before.

And that’s why, when the two of you were working on said scene, being face to face after he had followed you into Jieun’s —that being the role you were playing— living room, and you said different lines than the ones on his script, he found himself being absolutely puzzled. Nevertheless, everyone else seemed to be okay with it, which is why he carried on, saying the lines he had rehearsed, and this time being you the one to be completely dumbfounded.

However, even though you didn’t know what was going on, you did not find it in you to lean back and away from his lips, as you felt your heart beat ever so hardly against your chest at the sight of him leaning in to kiss you.

Not like it mattered anyway, for although you might have not found it in you to do something about it, the director didn’t have a problem with it — a loud “cut!” resounding all around the set, managing to stop Taehyung from pressing his lips on yours like both of you had so badly been anticipating.

“Taehyung, what the hell are you doing?” director Han questioned with furrowed eyebrows.

Taehyung’s mouth formed a pout, both because of not understanding what was going on, and because the moment he had been looking forward to the most —that being, your kiss’ scene— had been interrupted before it could even take place. “Isn’t this the moment we kiss?”

You found yourself taking in a shaky breath at his bold question, focusing on the lips of his that remained slightly puckered up in confusion after some people from the staff had gasped as others tried their best not to laugh.

“In the old script, yes. But not in the new one”.

“The new script?” Tae asked, giving you a quick glance and growing even more confused when you confirmed it with a small nod.

“Yes, you didn’t get it?” director Han had seemingly grown irritated by then.

“I… don’t think so?” Taehyung replied.

The director sighed, looking to his assistant next to him. “Okay, find out whose fault this was and tell them we need to talk” he ordered sternly, before he looked around and announced to the rest of the crew: “Everyone else, take five!”

With that said, and everyone else dispersing around the set to mind their own business, the man went up to the two of you.

“God, I can’t believe we’ll have to push back the recording because of this” he pinched at the bridge of his nose.

“It wasn’t his fault” you defended Tae in a heartbeat, causing his eyes to soften as they gazed to you.

“I know” director Han agreed with you, much to your surprise. “Still sucks though”.

That it did.

“So…” Taehyung begun. “What is this thing about a new script?”

“Oh, yeah,” the older man didn’t wait to begin his explanation. “You know how we’re always taking into consideration the viewers’ opinions as we go on with the story?”

“Yes…”

“Turns out, they all are over the moon with Y/N and Hyungsik’s chemistry,” those simple words were enough for Tae to feel uneasy. “So, after giving it a lot of thought and having a few meetings, we decided they will be this story’s endgame”.

Well, that surely had felt like a bucket of ice cold water being thrown straight to his face.

And although there were so many questions he wanted to ask, and so many of them he could’ve asked, he ended up looking at you and asking the one his heart felt more troubled with. “So you’re kissing Hyungsik hyung”.

It had not quite came out like a question, but more of a statement, yet either way, you nodded in affirmation.

Taehyung sighed. “I mean, hyung mentioned something about a kissing scene but… I didn’t know you...”

And although you didn’t have to explain yourself to him, at the sight of his disappointed expression, you felt the need to do so anyway. “It will only be a couple of times though. And it’s only for the drama, I wouldn’t—”

“Okay, look,” director Han cut your words off mid-sentence. “I don’t know what’s going on with you two when it comes to your personal lives, so I’ll leave you guys to talk it out. But um… we’re done for the day, I guess” he sighed, later fixing his eyes on Taehyung so he could inform him: “I’ll send you the new script. You guys may leave now”.

Nodding your heads, you watched the man head out of the set, leaving the two of you alone to ‘talk it out’.

The thing is, there was nothing to talk out. Or, more precisely, you didn’t know how to talk out what you so desperately wanted to do. Because you had feelings for him and he had feelings for you, but neither of you knew about one another’s. At least not for sure.

Truth be told, the two of you felt an instant attraction to each other the moment you met, but you thought nothing of it. You were both professionals. You would be a couple on the drama and that would be it, for you both knew getting involved with a co-star could only complicate things when it came to work.

However, that mindset of yours did not quite go to plan as the filming went on and you got to spend quite a lot of time together. Yes, your characters were written to fall in love, and so you had to act like it when the cameras were rolling, but the chemistry you and Taehyung had outside the set was, for sure, so, so much stronger than the one your contracts forced you to act out.

And so, soon enough, the two of you would be attached to the hip, spending not only every second off camera on set together, but also texting nonstop every other day you didn’t get to see each other.

It had just been so natural for the two of you to get along so well together, that neither of you questioned it. Neither of you had questioned why you felt like keep talking to each other every single moment you were apart, or why you craved one another’s attention whenever you spent time with other people of the crew… or why your hearts sped up so damn much every single time you were close.

You didn’t question any of that, you just went with it. To the point you came to terms with your feelings without having to go through any kind of epiphany. They were just there, and you would keep them to yourselves.

That’s why this particular kissing scene was so important to the both of you, for it would give you an excuse to do what you were dying to without actually having to risk anything. And that’s why you had been so disappointed when you got the new script three days before, and why Taehyung was now having such a hard time accepting the new fate of the plot.

“I, uh…” his eyes fixed on yours after a few seconds. “I’ll go change now…”

“Oh, okay…” you nodded. “I’ll go do the same”.

The sweet smile you gave him right then had somehow managed to ease the tension he had been feeling those last couple of minutes.

“You want me to drive you home?” he wondered like he did every day your shootings ended at the same time.

You could always just call your personal driver, he knew that, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t still try to spend as much time with you as he could. And the fact that you accepted his offer every single time could only encourage him to keep on doing so.

“You wouldn’t mind?” you asked with another smile, causing one of his own to take over his factions.

“You know I don’t”.

“Okay” you accepted, like it was oh-so-usual by now. “I’ll meet you at the parking lot in ten?”

“Yeah” he agreed, his smile only growing bigger at the way your stares had lingered before you turned around to go change into your personal clothes for once and for all.

That’s how, ten minutes later, just as agreed, you were entering his car, fastening your seat belts before he started driving over the route he knew by heart at this point.

The ride was quiet, yet not uncomfortable — both of you having too many things on your minds to even pay attention to the way the only sound filling the car was coming from the radio.

Both of you debating within yourselves whether or not you should bring up the topic the two of you were about to discuss before director Han interrupted you back on set.

And when Taehyung parked his car outside your place and you thanked him for the ride home, placing your hand over the door handle so you could pull at it and get out, he found himself speaking before he could even stop himself.

“Hey, uh…” his quite unsteady voice caught your attention. “It slipped my mind to say it before, but sorry about today…” he apologized when your eyes met his. “I never meant to make things uncomfortable for you… for us…”

You smiled sweetly at his sincere words. “It’s okay, Taehyung-ie” his heart jumped at the way his name sounded like honey to him whenever you said it. “It wasn’t uncomfortable… I was just, you know… worried you would get scolded because of the script and all that”.

“Yeah…” he recalled the way you had jumped on his defense the moment director Han had approached you. “Thank you about that…”

“It was nothing…” you shrugged. “Sorry I didn’t tell you about it” it was now your turn to apologize. “I know we talk quite a lot and I had the chance to, but I just assumed you had read the new script”.

“It’s okay, don’t worry” he reassured you.

“Do you have time to learn it?” you wondered, knowing both his idol and actor schedules tended to overlap a little too much.

Taehyung nodded softly before he gave you a small, reassuring smile. “I’ll manage”.

“That’s good” you smiled as well. “If you want to rehearse our scenes beforehand or just need help with yours… just hit me up”.

“I probably will, to be honest” he chuckled, earning a light laugh from you; for going over your scenes together from time to time, just for the sake of it, was something the two of you had found out to be rather helpful these last couple of months. “Sucks you will be rehearsing the kissing ones with hyung now…”

Your heart jumped, feeling your face heat up at his boldness.

“I don’t think we’ll be rehearsing them. I mean…” your eyes nervously gazed to the window. “We never did…”

Taehyung took in a deep breath. “Right…”

And although a part of him was screaming at him to just shut his mouth, for he had been bold enough already, he couldn’t help but go on with it; not wanting to let go of the topic just yet.

“Why didn’t we?”

Because we’re idiots. Because it would’ve felt too real. Something along those lines was the answer you wanted to give him.

Instead, you said nothing, just shrugging and looking out the window to your place. “Doesn’t matter anymore…” your eyes travelled back to him, taking in his beautiful factions and anticipating eyes before you explained: “Junho’s the one getting the girl now”.

The way your eyebrows had teasingly moved up and down as you referred to Hyungsik’s character, got Taehyung throwing his head back against the driver’s seat as a loud whine escaped his mouth.

“Aish, you little—”

He wasn’t planning on finishing that sentence, of course, so he stopped himself mid-sentence right as you threw your head back as well — a loud laugh coming out of your mouth.

“Just for the record,” you faced him, catching his attention. “I was really rooting for Sehun”.

A flustered laugh abandoned his lips, shaking his head in disbelief before his chocolate eyes fixed on yours once again. “Yeah… he would’ve been good to Jieun” he lamented his role’s defeat with a small, dramatic nod.

You giggled. “I know. But J—”

“If you say Junho will be better, Y/N, I swear to fucking God—”

Just like he had cut off your words mid-sentence right before, you cut his — only not with actual words, but with a cackle instead. “Biased much?”

“Sehun would’ve been better and you know it!” he accused you.

“Oh, yeah?” you questioned rather tauntingly, unconsciously moving closer with a daring demeanour.

“Yeah” he stated confidently. “And he would’ve kissed her so much better, too”.

Although your heart had skipped a beat at that and your hands were suddenly trembling, you went on with the teasing, not being ready to lose the unspoken competition this conversation had somehow just turned into. “Hm... I wouldn’t know about that though…”

“I can show you if you want”.

Just like that, Taehyung left you speechless.

He had gone for it, and was waiting for an answer now. One you weren’t able to give him with actual words, but with a small, almost unnoticeable, nod of your head instead.

It didn’t go unnoticed by him, though — the way your eyes had focused on his attractive lips being the last straw for him to just finally let go of any rational thought he might’ve had until then.

Tenderly cupping your face, he brought his face just close enough to yours so you could feel your already heavy breathings mix, before he gazed up to your eyes for one last brief second.

“Is this the moment we kiss?” he mocked his previous words that day, earning a giggle from you that sounded like music to his ears.

“Just kiss me already, you dork”.

So he did.

Gently caressing the corners of your mouth with his thumbs, he brought your face up to meet his lips in the middle — softly pressing them together.

And only that took for you to know you would, from then on, not enjoy kissing any other than him.

Letting out quiet, content hum when he deepened the kiss a few moments later, you pressed your hands on his chest, causing him to smile at the way your hands had lightly tugged at the fabric of his sweater as you managed to pull him even closer to you.

Damn the directors for depriving you both of the many kisses you could’ve gotten as the series went on.

“Was that Sehun kissing Jieun or Taehyung kissing Y/N?” you couldn’t help but softly ask once your lips were no longer trapped in his cloudlike ones.

He laughed under his breath, sweetly running his thumbs on your cheeks. “If I said it was just me kissing you, would you be okay with it?”

You nodded in a heartbeat, not being able to hold back a small giggle that had his heart skipping a beat in a second.

“Oh, good” he finally breathed out the air he didn’t know he had been holding, letting his forehead rest on yours. “Because I’ve wanted to do that for a while now”.

“So have I” you laughed lightly under your breath, lovingly removing a strand of hair that was covering one of his pretty eyes. “Maybe our characters won’t get to be together but… that doesn’t have to apply to us, does it?”

“Absolutely not” he smiled, planting a small peck on your lips. “Even if people think you have better chemistry with hyung, whatever that means”.

You couldn’t help but laugh at the bitter remark he had let out, followed by a huff. Director Han’s words had really stung deep. Maybe if it had just been that the viewers liked Junho and Jieun together, it wouldn’t have been that bad. But he said Hyungsik and you. As your own persons outside of the fictional drama world. And that was a whole different situation he could not help but dislike.

Kissing his cheek ever so sweetly, you pulled back to fix your eyes on his. “Good thing I don’t care what they think” those words alone made that cute boxy smile of his show on his face. “Are you okay with me having to kiss him though?”

“Can’t promise I won’t get a little jealous, but… it’s your job, of course I’m okay with it” he smiled reassuringly. “I’ll have you know, though,” his eyes squinted daringly. “For every time you kiss him, you’ll have to kiss me a hundred times to make it up to me”.

You snorted. “Don’t you think that’s a little too overpriced?” your teasing words had him raising his eyebrows. “How about five kisses for each time I kiss him?”

“Did I stutter?” he lowered his tone to seem more serious, causing you to bite your bottom lip as you shook your head in amusement.

“Oh, well…” you sighed over dramatically. “You’ll be too distracted kissing me to even keep count of them anyway”.

“Don’t test me, baby”.

“Okay, okay. I won’t” you laughed, catching him by surprise when the next second your hands tugged once again at his sweater to pull him closer. “May I pay some of those in advance though? Since there will be way too many of them to pay for in a few days”.

Taehyung chuckled, gently pushing your chin up with his thumb as his face came closer to yours, until his pink lips were faintly brushing yours. “That you may do”.

[inhum3n]

Maladaptive daydreaming and fanfiction

Ya’ll. We’re here finally on a topic that has been on my mind for almost a month. Lets dive in.

You can tell I'm passionate about this shit because I actually wrote this post first on a doc. Than copied it over. Anyways lets dive in.

Maybe I'm extrapolating but I believe many MaDDers are familiar with fanfiction. And I mean if you're on tumblr then yeah duh you know fanfiction. But just in case, fanfiction is a written work based off an established universe like a tv show, book series, or movie. It can also take from the real world, like using celebrities. People write fanfiction for a lot of reasons, maybe because they wanna write some horny shit, or they want to rewrite the bad ending to a tv show they used to like, or they use it as a therapeutic outlet.

I wanna talk about the experience of MaDDers who are consumers of fanfiction. I can't speak for MaDDers who write fanfiction, a part of me doubts how easily a MaDDer could write a whole ass fanfiction, since I've seen MaDDers joke about how hard it is for them to write about their paracosms.

I've gone through periods binging and then dropping fanfiction. I am in a binging period right now. I read a lot of fanfiction. And I cannot deny how closely tied it is to my daydreaming.  I only read fanfiction relevant to my current paracosms. So if I'm currently occupying a paracosm about marvel characters, all the fanfiction I read will be marvel based. If I start reading fanfiction from a different fandom that usually denotes either the beginning of a transition into a new paracosm or just a temporary deviation.  Since the fanfiction I read is tied to my paracosms, fanfiction serves as a fueling agent, inspiration, and/or another form of daydreaming. I'll break each of these down.

Fueling Agent: I talked about this before, but a reason why daydreaming is so consuming is partly due to the prep/refueling phase. This is a 1 to 2 hour period where I consume content that'll give me that emotional jolt(motivation, excitement) to daydream. It's much more fun to go into a daydream out of eagerness rather than apathy and being dragged in. So if my current paracosm is marvel based, I would watch clips from marvel movies, look at marvel fanart, or read marvel fanfiction. Reading is an emotional experience, so fanfiction works well to reinvigorate my attachment and interest in my paracosms. I may write more in depth about his fueling thing in another post. I'd be interested to hear if you guys do this as well.

Inspiration: This is closely tied to the previous reason. There are so many talented and creative fanfic writers, who write such wonderful alternate universes with great scenes. Specific scenes or alternate universe themes can be very inspiring. And its not uncommon that after finishing a fanfiction of a certain AU to make a variant paracosm(a paracosm that’s similar to my current one but in a different setting - same characters though just a change of scenery) made similarly to that fic.

Fanfiction as a conduit of daydreaming: This one may be more confusing. The way I see it is daydreaming is a form of escapism into an alternate universe, and reading is well, the same. Especially since - and I cannot stress this enough - the fanfiction I read is directly connected to and contains the same characters that I am currently using as paras. And because of this close connection, fanfiction is extremely addicting.  The daydreaming is addicting why wouldn't a conduit of it be as well? There's this urge and draw to immediately head off to ao3 when I have a little too much free time on my hands. And finding a good fic and reading it can be incredibly emotionally investing. Daydreaming is also an emotional investment. It's kind of like indulging in a daydream where I really have no control or knowledge as to where its going. And you can go back and reread the fic or parts of it the same way you can incessantly repeat parts of a daydream.

To conclude, I believe that my joy of fanfiction nearly all derives from its ties to my paracosms, thus attributing to both fanfiction and daydreamings addictive qualities. The main difference is that if I put my phone down I stop reading fanfiction, but I cannot turn off my brain so the daydreaming feels more invasive, uncontrollable, and addicting.

I'd like to hear your guys' thought. I'll probably reblog other reblogs to this post. Have a lovely day, remember to drink water and to give your feet a rest from all the pacing.

[itsclydebitches]

Yang forgetting Ironwood helped her so she willingly made the decision to rat him out to Robyn (which she then “forgot” to blame Ruby for the whole mess, and then “forgot” that to argue with Ren when he wanted them ALL to take responsibility) is one of the reasons you are most definitely right about the show just forgetting those civilians who got blasted off the rainbow road.

You know, RWBY's tendency to "forget" lots of different things aside, this list really emphasizes why canon!Yang (not fanon!Yang, still love her) has steadily become one of the least likable characters in the series for me. A summary of her major character beats would include:

Adores her "Super Mom" and is supposedly defined by both this loss and the need to help raise her little sister, but doesn't mention her again until Volume 8

Admits she has no reason to be a huntress other than liking adventure, but is never forced to confront this and figure out what she actually wants out of life, not even when the fate of the world is suddenly attached to her choices

Loses her arm and goes through a long arc to accept this new part of her, only to announce later that it's just "extra" and doesn't matter. This indifference includes ignoring the community she's now a part of/the disabled man who greatly assisted her, as well as the sudden disappearance of PTSD

Supposedly spends her entire life, since she was a toddler getting lost in the woods, searching for her biological mother only to decide that she only cares about her sister now

Listens to her biological mother anyway. She has no reason to trust her, claims to hate her, is outright told to question the information she's given... yet takes her perspective at face value, to the extent that she comes into Haven raring to accuse Ozpin

Demands "no more lies or secrets" from him even though, at this point, Ozpin has not lied or kept secrets from her. The transformation was Qrow's secret to divulge, along with his semblance

Appears to be grappling with Blake leaving at the end of Volume 3, but everything is fine once they're back together. Is mad that Blake expresses a desire to keep her save, but everything is (again) fine once they kill Adam. It's a dual issue of the story not acknowledging when Yang is being unfair (why does she get to go home to recover, but Blake doesn't?) while also just... not resolving these things

Is indifferently cruel to Oscar for a whole volume, from screaming in his face to only caring about Jaune after he attacked the kid

Is one of the most furious at Ozpin for keeping Salem's immortality a secret, but turns around and immediately helps keep that secret from Ironwood

Her justification for this is that they can't just trust people blindly anymore, but is the one to suggest that they blindly trust Robyn instead

Puts the blame for all this solely on Ruby's shoulders, ignoring her part in this mess and her continued promises to follow Ruby's lead, but then gets furious at Ren for expressing the same concerns

Tops off this question of trust by laughing along with everyone else at Emerald's speech despite being pretty much the only one to raise concerns an hour ago

Is told by her father that she relies too much on her semblance and puts both herself and others in danger by rushing headlong into situations. Volume 8 she revs up her semblance, rushes in, and "dies"

Is at the center of RWBY's one, presumed queer couple within the main cast, leading to numerous issues which complicate all of the above

Yang is... a mess, frankly. And not in a "She's a complex, multifaceted character" way, but a "The writers don't know what they're doing and it has severely hurt Yang's character" way. She comes across as a massive hypocrite, callous towards most everyone not in her small circle, yet is simultaneously trusting to the point of foolishness. We're supposed to believe that Yang is mistrustful of the established ally who gave her her arm, but is buddy-buddy with the woman who framed her and orchestrated the killing of the friend sitting beside her. We're supposed to believe that Yang has little knowledge, no emotional connection, and a healthy distrust of Raven, but believes all her lies anyway. We're supposed to believe that Yang is beginning to question whether it's a good idea to follow her little sister without question, but that she'll tell Ren he's just pushing everyone away when he agrees that things are indeed bad right now. A better written show might, for example, explore how Yang's instinctual desire to defend her sister is bumping up against her own concerns, but with what we've got, Yang is just a different character every couple scenes. She's constantly contradicting herself, changing for no reason, or staying static to the point where the audience is wondering what the point of previous arcs were, all of which makes her so frustrating to watch. I'll agree with Yang one episode, only for her to have done a complete 180 the next, with no acknowledgement of this change. Or she's spouting views that blatantly ignore everything else that's going on, making her appear to be in denial at best, but the story won't acknowledge that either, instead framing her as 100% correct. Far from being the emotionally rich character she once was, a young woman on the cusp of growing up - deciding what she wants in life, learning to reign in her temper, finding some independence from her sister, recovering from a trauma - Yang now is just... angry and hypocritical, at least when she's not with Blake. And that relationship continues to be marred by both the lack of a queer confirmation and the inconsistent way that the rest of Yang's character is handled. Yang just isn't a person I like anymore, even though it's obvious I'm supposed to. But I look at her actions and attitude across Volumes 6-8 and see someone who is impossible to get to know because she's changing her mind every ten minutes of screen time, leaving a string of confusing, hypocritical, and at times downright cruel decisions in her wake.

[encrucijada]

WOLF MOTHER | a short story

pov: first person retrospective

wordcount: 3.6k (as of now with minimal line editing)

genre: literary fiction, low fantasy

setting: a house by a field and a field by a forest

summary: the dysfunctional family of Juno and her twin brother Andy puts Luna, a white wolf, in the role of Mother but she is powerless from stopping all the bad things that happen to “her pups”. Andy finds himself tangled in an abusive relationship and Juno isolates herself from the world. Luna can do nothing but watch.

literal logline: wolf raises two very sad children (who have superpowers)

dedicated to @rxinbowbright​​​​, who created the character of Andy and helped me mold Andy and Juno’s story

our characters!

LUNA: while she is technically bonded only to Juno, she also cares deeply for Andy. barely talks about her own feelings and instead tends to do objective observations, preferring to talk about Andy and Juno’s feelings. alongside her is the character of MERCURY, another wolf who makes the relationship between Juno and Andy a bit more complicated.

ANDY: has electrokinesis. lives worried about everything. “with great power comes great responsibility” but he’s just a child and his powers are too destructive for him to realistically handle living with them. bad case of co-dependency.

JUNO: has animal intuition powers, aka can “bond” herself to animals. will do everything in her power to communicate with as little words as possible. prone to self-isolating. “i never had the chance to be soft i wanted people to be afraid of hurting me.”

NATHAN: the kids’ neighbour. powers are basically puppeteering dead animals, not necromancy he can’t bring them back to life. the vibes of this man... disgusting. *stan pines voice* finally a good reason to punch a teenager in the face!

and an excerpt!

I was given the name Luna by the child holding me in her arms. She gripped me with a feeling beyond just the flesh, it was warmth and frost, a noose invisible around my neck, coating my head, closing in my chest. The fear it should have caused me, being so thoroughly restrained, didn’t take over. Didn’t even have a chance to be present. From this child came a tenderness that translated through the noose, warmth and frost and compelled me to respond in kind without biting or growling. A feeling like being buried under the fur of my mother, pressed to her belly. The child’s hold was just like the milk.

this short story was a bitch to write and i would be furious if i didn’t love how it turned out so much. and if i didn’t feel such an attachment for the characters. i don’t know if i’ll look to send this short story to lit magazines, i guess it’ll depend on what my critique friends think of it. Teddy (aka rxinbowbright) and i created Andy and Juno in 2019 after seeing a superhero/supervillain prompt on tumblr. in their earliest rendition Andy and Juno were in their 20s, they weren’t siblings (instead they were former friends), and Juno was the supervillain to Andy’s superhero. the inclusion of Nathan was spontaneous, as was his role as Andy and Juno’s abuser.

over time the kids became actual kids and then they became twins. Teddy and i had a much grittier story in our hands, about two lonely children who are pulled in different directions by the intentional actions of their physically and emotionally abusive neighbour. practically nothing carried over from the hero/villain era, other than the presence of Nathan as the reason Juno and Andy grew distant. Luna and Mercury as staple characters just kinda happened too. at first Juno had a variety of animals with her but i really like wolves so that’s what i ended up settling for. and now Luna and Mercury are characters in on themselves instead of just props.

Andy and Juno don’t begin or end with Wolf Mother, this is actually but a snippet of their story arc that Teddy and i still work on through roleplay threads. i could write more scenes with their parents, scenes about their parents, about them going to school, about Luna taking care of them... which is why i think i struggled in writing the short story. i wanted to include all the tidbits i know about them. and there’s stuff that happens after the story but i think that’s spoilers.

chosen songs for this short story are Dear Wormwood by The Oh Hellos (i know who i am now / and all that you've made of me / i know who you are now / and i name you my enemy) and The Woods by Daughter (and i pray a lot for you / and i look out for you / i asked saint christopher / to find your sister / she ran out in the woods). my hope is that the closing scene feels just like the last stanzas of Dear Wormwood.

[salmonthestoryteller]

RNM Season 4 Episodes 1-2

I just finished watching episode 2 of season 4 of Roswell New Mexico, and honestly, I’m really enjoying the new season so far.

Fav parts right now: Every scene with Cam!  I am so happy to have her back this season!

Arturo for two episodes straight! It just makes me smile to see him on the screen.

I actually am enjoying Michael's little relationship panics and that multiple characters are giving him pep talks to help him overcome them. Because all of these little panics aren't actually about Alex or his feelings for him. They're all about Michael's past traumas and learning to overcome them. Even the console was about clinging to the past and the dream that helped him get through it. About learning to let that go and believe in the future he is building with Alex here and now.

And can we just pause a moment and consider the fact that Michael took a wooden model made of popsicle sticks and toothpicks to the location of his secret alien lab to try to fix it?  Like, no really, think on that for a moment.  And tell me it isn't absolutely adorable.

So, yes, Malex scenes were all A+ for me.

On the other hand:

Echo, eh it's Echo. Max has improved since first season, but he's still low on my scale of characters. So, I’ll never be a huge Echo fan. Though I can already feel the itch to add another piece to my comparison of Science Bros parallel character journeys in RNM for this season.  But I'll wait at least a few more episodes for that.

Honestly, I am disappointed in them having Max propose to Liz and not vice versa. I still feel that with their personalities and character journeys, it would make more sense for her to be the one to propose to him.  But that's my hang up.

I could ship Isobel and Anatsa - I could. There's definitely chemistry and possibilities in their scenes together.  Also, letting Anatsa have scenes outside of their relationship - like with Kyle at the hospital - goes a long way towards making her a more complete character and less of a “love interest” character.  That said, I saw the writing on the wall last season. They were never going to have this relationship last, so I just can't bring myself to enjoy it much.

I'm not fond of temporary romances in fiction to begin with.  To me they're usually a waste of time that could be spent developing other romantic or platonic relationships. Plus, there is rarely a reason to allow yourself to get attached to the temporary love interest because they are almost always taken out of the story the moment the relationship ends.  I just don't want to get emotionally invested in a character and relationship that's going to go poof.

Also, knowing there won't be a next season means that even though I know they've got Kybel set up, I won't get to enjoy it much if at all before the finale. I suspect I will be writing so much Kybel fiction. Lol.

On a more serious note, involving my girl Iz, I can already guess what all the Iz haters are saying about the end of episode 2.

So, I need everyone to take a step back and recall that THIS IS ISOBEL’S FIRST REAL RELATIONSHIP SINCE EFFIN NOAH BRACKEN!!!

Yes, Iz has come a long way since then.

But the last long-term relationship she had? Noah.

The last person she “told the truth” to? Noah.

So maybe the reason she's struggling to tell the truth to Anatsa might have a little something to do with that? Hm?

The reason she resorted to using her powers rather than confessing the truth might be because the last person she was in a long-term relationship with, she hid the truth from for years and that's a hard habit to break?

That when she did confess the truth to that person it was right before she discovered they had betrayed her in the worst way imaginable?

The scene where she used her powers - the guilt from doing it that made her run away.  That was painful.  As was her spotting Kyle, and the relief on her face - because here was someone she could talk to. Someone she was safe with. Only to see his date and close herself off again.  Oof, that… yeah.

I really hope she gets a pep talk and not a lecture from someone about all this. Because… I have a theory of something coming later in the season. And I think it's gonna be painful for our girl Izzy.

I also think Kyle will be involved and that it will be painful for him too.

But this is too long already so theorizing next post.

[hei-ch0u]

It’s long...(fair warning) ✰

 Shingeki no Kyojin 139 (Theories)

Since everyone is throwing around their theories from the wild to the more likely, I thought I should contribute. After all, it will be the last time we can theorise this amazing manga full of all its twists and turns. Like most, I do agree with the popular fan theories simply because this manga is consistently unpredictable with each chapter. Let’s face it, some stories are easily picked apart these days and finding one that continuously has you thinking about what could occur is a winning tale. So first, I will start off by saying that I am so sad that Shingeki no Kyojin is coming to an end. But! I will never forget this amazing manga as I have grown so attached to the characters and the story as you can tell from the past nearly 9 years of running this blog. So, thank you yams for being such a genius! Regardless of the ending, it will go down in history as one of the best stories I personally have ever read and witnessed.

With typical fan theories, I won’t go into them too much as I feel the concept of the “time loop” has been written about to filth and I think it is very blatantly clear at this point that the concept of a time loop is very likely in one way or another given the overall concept within aot/snk in general - there is a obvious manipulation of past, present and future. I will hold my hands up and say that I definitely do agree with ‘some’ popular fan theories and will list a fair few below in brief detail - as I do think they are highly likely to be true in some way or at least implied within the last chapter. Now, with the usual leak dates coming up on the horizon, I wanted to put my input in before hand. Although, because of recent prosecution warnings for leaking the final chapter - I would advise others just to wait for the 9th of April on official release for concrete facts rather than speculations and leaks simply because we have seen with past few chapters that a lot of false spoilers get released and I think with the final chapter it would be wise to wait as I have previously stated on here that it will be the ‘revelation’ chapter that ties this manga together.

So! With the typical fan theories, we see the likes of:

Eren being the baby daddy to Historia’s baby

Eren sacrificing his reason for living - freedom. By being the greater evil to bring about the greater good

The baby itself could become the new beast titan or baby Eren/Ymir reborn

Eren isn’t dead, but on Paradis by way of transferring his subconscious into a crystallised version of himself

Eren and Ymir have struck a deal

And of course - the time loop concept

…The list is endless of popular fan theories. It would be silly not to agree with any of them given the story and where we are currently at, its very clear that Historia, Eren and Ymir will play a big part somehow in the final chapter (if not id be genuinely shocked) since majority of the past few chapters they have been absent in full form and I feel this needs to be explained. After all we still haven’t seen the full extent of the memories of past/future that Eren was aware of from his contact with Historia and his connection with Ymir in Paths. We saw 137 being predominantly Armin based, 138 being Mikasa based and I think it is only reasonable given his absence as the initial protagonist that Eren will be the revelation within 139. Ultimately culminating EMA / the trio as a whole. We began with them, so it only makes sense to end with them (albeit separately as individuals).

Moving on, as you can see I agree with said fan theories as I think any route could be possible! The thing with Shingeki no Kyojin is that it has many hidden ‘Easter eggs’ (how fitting given its easter), whether it be in the background of scenes, characters wording, placement of scenes/characters, flashbacks, paths and even in the opening and ending credits of the anime we see hidden meanings through imagery. It has all been laid out very well for our finding, its just if we have an intuitive enough imagination to pick it apart and figure things out. This leads on to my own theory/theories (it can go any way and I wont sugarcoat it - I could be reaching)

I generally have 2 theories that run about in my head with how the story itself could turn out or how it works. Both theories kind of tie together in one way or another featuring predominantly Eren and then Mikasa or overall ‘Ackerman’ blood/gene concept and its potential involvement in control of said time loop. I will do my best to include manga panels to give visual insight to the points.

To begin, I want to touch on Mikasa's “dream” in 138 - although devastating, I think it is being taken as the opposite of what it was and personally I see many looking at it through rose tinted glasses. This wasn’t an alternative universe (in my opinion), this was Mikasa’s Ideal life - her dream. When it comes to Eren as a connection to Mikasa, he is her reason for being, even in death she chooses not to part with him for her own good and creates a dreamlike reality for herself to make herself go through with the deed. She as a character has dominantly surrounded her existence on Eren, he is categorised many times within the manga as ‘home’ - like other fan theories have stated, it has been mentioned many times Mikasa referencing the word ‘home’ and also how she wants to ‘be close to him’ because it gives her comfort and strength. The Ackermans as a whole have attachments to people and this is where they ultimately gain strength from. Without any of the Ackermans ‘attachments’ being in danger or being killed, their powers wouldn’t be awakened and without them I feel their strength almost weakens until they find a new reason for living to keep moving forward. I’ll touch more on the ‘Ackerman’ theory later as its one of the open loopholes still currently alive within the manga.

Mikasa has always been a character that confuses me, particularly with the way she acts and things she says or thinks. She has said many things that don’t make sense unless she has a certain belief system or knows of things from past lives.

Examples:

As you can see and I will produce more evidence of such comments further in. She implies that she either believes in reincarnation or she is aware of different periods within the said time loop. She speaks of starting over, being dead and returning and implies in different ways that she is scared of the same thing happening again. The last panel - what plan is she on about here? Her own plan. In my opinion it is - "Don't let Eren die". As we have seen, that may be what has to happen. It's fate. She interferes with this and never lets him go.

Mikasa does have an unhealthy bond with Eren, I do think he loves her ( I’m not dismissing that ) but do I think its the type of intense love she feels? no. Some things she has came out with has even shocked other characters and countless times her comrades have tried to ‘break the barrier’ to get her to realise her way of thinking when it comes to Eren is unhealthy. Hence why I think we seen Jean in this particular scene below so frustrated

not because he himself has feelings for her, but because she’s not letting them get through to her that she is refusing to believe Eren could ultimately be a changed person (which he definitely is, I’ll not go into my rant of why he isn’t ‘evil or a ‘monster’ because i’ve done so already) but overall, Mikasa constantly makes excuses for Eren and doesn’t recognise it, her life revolves around being close to Eren and she gets very emotionally troubled at the idea of not being with him or him ultimately taking a path that doesn’t involve her. We even seen Annie question her and this wasn't many chapters ago and she replies with the same mindset of bringing back "the old Eren". He is not the person he once was particularly as a child. Something that is implied at beginning of manga, it opens with them as children and somehow links with 138.

As stated by Armin below we see him even explaining to Mikasa that Eren’s never close, he always takes his own route and that ultimately both Armin and Mikasa aren’t his reason for living. Let’s face it - Freedom is Eren’s reason for being, his only desire. Armin has also expressed disbelief and almost frustration at her way of thinking when it comes to him (below examples) I think in a way the famed ‘table scene’ was Eren trying to break the bond, but he’s not doing that for no reason, its implied he does it to protect them, but it could also be because of what he has seen in memories past and future - he has perhaps became aware of Mikasa’s involvement within paths and the loop. He has to try to alter her way of thinking to protect her, but maybe also himself.

Armin + Other comrades reactions to Mikasa’s mindset 

Another visual point to make regarding Mikasa’s ties with previous loops and Armin, was her comment made about him at a very early stage in the manga just after Eren had been eaten by a titan after saving Armin - leaving his fate at this point unknown. 

this is implying that Mikasa has some knowledge of previous times Armin has helped them with his ‘ability’ which if we are referencing him as a character is his methodical intelligence. But, even here he is confused by the comment, simply because at this point there has been no signs of Armin’s usage of this ability - mainly fear and lack of confidence with that in comparison of his peers. We don’t necessarily see this until perhaps even a chapter later and as far as we are aware, Mikasa doesn't follow through with “i’ll tell you about it later”.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it seems odd she has such an attachment to Eren like this that is so intense. It’s not normal to be as intense as she is about someone unless she is used to losing that person over and over. Even as children Mikasa acted possessive over the ‘concept’ of Eren dying - it wasn’t allowed to happen. She doesn’t have this intense reaction with Armin or other comrades. She fixates on the idea of Eren being her saviour, the one to give her a ‘home’ and a ‘purpose’. Mikasa consistently opposes his death and his death alone, I can only see this from a standpoint that deep within her own memory she has experienced his death countless times before. She even uses force a couple of times to increase this intensity. Here are some examples of this even in childhood -

There are many more examples of this throughout the manga and her refusal to accept that what she doesn’t want, may just happen. Now this might just be my over active imagination or my own ability of media studies kicking in. But, previously I had been under the impression in the presence of a time loop that Eren was in charge of it and controlling it, that somehow it would constantly reoccur when he himself died and he would have to come up with a way to either prevent his death or ultimately stop the timeline of the titans. Whether that be under making a deal with Ymir herself or by essentially “breaking the wheel” and turning others against him to show Eldians as triumphant heroes.

However, the more i’ve thought about it and given the revelations of 138 - i would be more inclined to say it is Mikasa Ackerman herself due to either her specifically or her Ackerman gene. There is something about the bloodline that is missing and we have not had the fabled Ackertalk or much explanation of how they work (something I’d like to see covered in 139 - although i feel it will be an Eren chapter, I also think it will include the visions Eren has seen to give an explanation of why the previous 138 chapters played out the way they did)

I think there is a possibility Eren had to break the wheel on the loop,  Mikasa would go back each time and always Eren would die, something we’ve established she tries to prevent and never accepts. The only escape was her accepting his death therefore he did everything he could to push her away, break the bond and push her to kill him to end the cycle (since he’s seen the future). As I have a hunch previously in other loops he was not killed by her hand - it had to be her to break the cycle or vice versa (but we will get to this).

there is hints of this in the “Lost Girls” OVA. Yes, I am aware it’s said that OVAS are not necessarily canon per say, but I don’t think it would have so many open links if Isayama himself didn't want it to. This particular one gives many hints to Mikasa’s involvement in the loop and alternative universe theories. The anime adaptations are on point with showing us details we only recognise after more plot points are revealed. It may explain the headaches, every time Eren dies, she reverses the loop or changes realities. This ailment could be a product of her memory issues. In the OVA we see Mikasa in real time thinking about Eren and his constant state of taking his own path.

After this moment, the said “Scene” she speaks of is revealed to us. Another example of Mikasa’s dreamlike state or perhaps another timeline? We are taken back to the time where she had given up, had ran out of gas, a titan was approaching and she was ‘lost’ - her reason for being was gone and she knew her death was coming, but also in the manga during this scene she is “worried” she’ll have to start again (above in examples). This again implies she knows something we don’t. We then hear Mikasa’s voice speaking to Mikasa herself, telling her that if she simply didn’t like this reality she could choose the place she wanted, but as we have seen before - she can’t stop his death.

The peculiar scene in this OVA that got me intrigued by this theory is the masked figure and young mikasa scene. Mikasa is rushing to meet with Eren and Armin to escape the walls in a hot air balloon, but she has to be there by a certain time or the plan fails. As she is running she is stopped by a mysterious masked figure who asks her to join in on his hypnotism trick to spectators. Comments he makes involve him telling her that her ‘friend’ will ultimately leave her and that she couldn’t accept his death and created this universe. Also, that he is no one, but someone at the same time. I think this holds great significance since the strange thing about this is that his voice mirages into a distant adult Mikasa.

implying that she has to ‘kill’ a part of herself or she has to die to prevent and hault the loop. She has to return from her idealistic dreams of keeping him alive as it will only fail otherwise. Upon hearing of Eren’s yet again untimely death within this universe, she begins to have memory flashes of multiple scenes appearing within her eyes with a typical media ‘rewind’ sound as she wakes up back in the street with no gas and a titan approaching but... she says something I find interesting and links to what Eren says at the beginning of the manga 

“the feeling I’ve had a really long dream”

We witness Mikasa have these “headaches” multiple times within the manga and in the anime they are heavily focused on whenever it happens, which we can only recognise that this is an important part of the story itself. Eren too has random headaches, just not as much as Mikasa, he mainly experiences them when he accesses new memories. However, what if Mikasa too is affected by memories she cannot tap into or it is paths/ackerman gene warning her she is repeating past mistakes?

Notice how there is a lot of emphasis on the word ‘again’ when it comes to her headaches or the thought of losing Eren. It is constantly repeated. I think it is highly likely she only remembers some parts from previous loops, but the one that sticks is simply - she has to save Eren each time, but fails. Everything begins again after his or her’s demise. Perhaps each time Eren is the one who dies first, creating a somewhat butterfly effect. That maybe Mikasa has died once like she implies in previous example. However, the one to die first (in this case primarily Eren) loses all memories of the past loops - again this is implied as Eren does tell Mikasa he cannot remember his dream. I think deep within his mind Mikasa does remember, but given the fact she has potentially reversed the outcome many times...her memory is simply warped - that or she died in the previous loop and lost those components. 

Will she not remember due to her memories being altered in her death?

Either way something needs to change. Eren Kruger says this in Eren’s attack titan memories. They are doing something wrong.

I believe Eren in 138 within Mikasa’s dream, was trying to tell her to move on, not necessarily forget him, but at least accept his passing - to stop the loop reoccurring, he influenced part of her reality...maybe with the help of Ymir. In a way it could be implied Eren almost regrets wrapping the scarf around her (this is heavily emphasised as a symbol of their relationship), for me the scarf seems like a softer symbolism for a chain - a binding if you will. By wrapping it round Mikasa he binds her to him. He has always insisted she should throw it away, even in 138 within her own conjured reality he says the same. She needs to kill this part of herself or “the same history” will be repeated. I do have a HUGE feeling in my heart, head and gut that Mikasa may need to end up dead first as I do have another HUGE feeling that Eren is not dead (maybe its wishful thinking, but his death doesn’t make sense right now, so Yams I trust in you for explanation). His death seemed too convenient.

Now, before I go onto “Ackerman” gene factors, I’ll briefly bring in another peculiarity I have always had about a particular scene in the beginning of the manga. After it is decided Eren will carry the boulder to plug the wall, Eren (the attack titan) seemingly loses control and succumbs to pure rage, in turn he attacks Mikasa. Something he hasn’t done against humans unless its free will.

However, a part of me has always felt that this could be the attack titan itself (in past inhabitants and memories) recognising her as a threat and trying to rid her of the world first to avoid the loop of Eren dying first to Mikasa controlling the loop to return to try to save Eren - nothing changes. This is what I meant by “breaking the wheel”, we have saw it in other tales, things can’t change unless you choose a different path than the same one with the same brutal cycle. As Kruger says, to save Mikasa and Armin, Eren has to change things - this could be to separate not only Armin, but Mikasa from him, that maybe in previous loops...they follow him. In this instance, he has definitely separated Armin and by way of second hand - Mikasa too. Hence why Ymir says goodbye to Eren in 138, he is free. Another notable concept is that aot/snk is made up of trios, we see it in:

Eren / Mikasa / Armin

Reiner / Bertholdt / Annie

Connie / Jean / Sasha

Hanji / Erwin / Levi

Levi / Farlan / Isabel 

Kenny / Levi / Mikasa

It would partially make sense for the trio to be the reasoning for the ending. Almost illuminati based - very yams style. 

Why not Mikasa?

Lets talk Ackerman and a slightly different theory, but with relation! 

(Obviously, I cannot provide much evidence to support any Ackerman based theories other than what has already been provided, which isn’t a lot to be fair. Dammit Yams)

I want to briefly start off on the Ackerman front with a brief comparison of our two currently known Ackermans: Levi and Mikasa. The main categorising difference between these two is that Levi moves on regardless of what happens to him or his comrades or his ‘attachments’. He also does not appear to experience these headaches, some say he does, but I can’t find evidence. Isayama shows these headaches with a throbbing sign around Mikasa’s head - so unless the Ackertalk happens and Levi confirms it, its still absent in theory. Levi treats Ackerman-ism as moving on, making choices with no regrets (as his backstory indicates) and even in current states he has said he doesn’t regret his decisions. It is why he is able to move forward and keep surviving. Its simple...his mindset is stronger than Mikasa's, she is the weaker link. This could be due to age difference and overall past experience, Levi has more life experience as an Ackerman to have mastered his emotion and reactions to outcomes - he accepts the bad. 

Mikasa is weaker in this regard, perhaps if you link it back to the theory of her control of the loop...due to this weakness she creates the loop since she can’t accept his death and tries to return to make amends. I think in reality, Eren knows due to the attack titan ability - he will die. Hence why he appeared so shocked upon making contact with Historia to then very depressed and detached before vanishing in Marley. He became aware of the outcome and I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d be depressed too after finding out my life was made to end especially since all he wanted as a character was Freedom. Eren x Freedom will be the only canon ship at this rate.

However, I do think the only way she can create said loop is through her Ackerman gene. Ackermans are products of ‘titan science’, they were genetically engineered (if you want to put it that way) to have titan like abilities while still maintaining their human form and sense of self being. Created to protect the Fritz family (royal blood), to eventually being ostracised for their dismissal of the plan to wipe Eldian’s memories. Therefore banished, but allowed to live, I can only see there being one reason why - they would be still useful at some point and their deaths/extinction would be wasteful. 

From what we know and can tell from mere viewing, the Ackermans are very skilled and powerful beings that have ‘hosts’ or attachments (I like this name better) to channel their goals, strength and energy into. They were made to protect, fight and survive. The only surviving Ackermans are Levi and Mikasa.

They cannot be affected by the founding titan and their memories cannot be altered. But, this brings about another question. Why were they created to protect the founding titan, yet could not be controlled by it? The theory with this bloodline is that they can do more than what we see, that they themselves don’t know it yet. One in particular can alter realities - that being Mikasa (as we don’t have mass amounts of information on Levi’s experiences other than his surge of power awakenings demonstrated throughout the manga to confirm his part) due to fact Levi really only knew he was an Ackerman within his 30′s after the previous Ackerman - Kenny, dies and informs him of this. Mikasa has always been aware. 

Mikasa’s ‘Power’ ultimately has something to do with the Attack Titan and the Founding titan - that being Eren and Ymir combined. In past loops, I believe each time she has seen Eren die she has said “see you later, Eren”... hence the ending of 138 and the beginning of the manga. Isayama did say the beginning would relate to the ending. Each time this happens they are transcended to the point Eren wakes up at the tree within the walls to begin once more, its the only clear explanation for why Eren comments of her hair length. The attack titan itself is the component of Ymir that captivates her freedom, it continues to move forward for 2000 years each successor until one has the power (the desire for freedom like her) to release her from enslavement to the power of the titans. In this instance Eren too has been a slave to the power, lets for arguments sake blame Grisha for passing it on to him. 

Again, with the Ackermans there is something I’ve always noticed between Levi and Mikasa - they have never touched skin to skin. It has always been over their clothing. I wonder if their Ackerman powers may stem similar to how Eren draws memories from contact with the royal family, i.e. Historia. They need to touch in order to access Paths and manifest it into their control. Eren is aware of this due to his connection to Ymir - there is heavy implied material to denote the idea of Ragnarok and reincarnation. Eren is the reincarnate of Ymir and previously I don’t think they were aware of this.

For anyone not familiar with the term “Ragnorok” - its definition has multiple meanings in Norse mythology. Particularly - development, origin, cause, relation and fate. It is a series of events that often lead to a great battle, the deaths of multiple people of importance to the ultimate end revelation of the world being remade and fertile (the opposite of Zeke’s plan) with the remaining ‘gods’ returning and ‘two’ human survivors repopulating the world. I personally believe this to be either two of these: Levi and Mikasa or Eren and Historia by the way of Ymir as the ultimate god, but just in different ways. The Ragnorok element is particularly of importance within Germanic studies, this would connect with Shingeki no Kyojin since it is implied its set in early germany/europe and given characters name origins - it makes sense.

The two human survivors are that of Lif and Lifbrasir (shown below) who survive by ‘hiding’ in the woods while the great battle commences. 

They repopulate the world starting with a daughter. In germanic regions, the concept of mankind originated from trees is an ancient notion “the tree of life” essentially. Trees have a massive importance and connection in Shingeki no Kyojin, we see Eren wake up at one in the beginning, the main Path coordinate resembles a tree, Ymir originated from trees and being within the woods would indicate “trees”. This would make me more inclined to believe the Eren and Historia theory to be likely, simply because Historia is all the way back in Paradis and potentially Eren himself by transferring subconscious. To me it seems very likely the leaked final panel released by Yams himself is Eren holding a child rather than anyone else as whoever this figure is tells the child they are free and this could only relate to both Ymir and Eren, the ones who sought freedom. This could mean in this instance Levi and Mikasa are the ‘gods’, the ones with the power to restore and mend, again through the concept of the Ackerman Gene being more than what meets the eye. Ymir will be reborn ultimately and no longer enslaved as will Eren. 

Ragnarok and Shingeki no Kyojin combined have connotations of ‘fate’ being a big part of their depths. It is fated. Everything is. Just like Eren’s death and potentially ability to be reborn into another timeline. Just like Eren’s fate to obtain the founding titan and attack titan, both very powerful titans in the manipulation of time and events. Eren makes a statement around chapter 123 in Paths when talking with Zeke that if someone tried to take his freedom, no matter who, he would remove theirs. That he has been like that since birth because he was “born into this world”.

Zeke: “Since birth?”

this further implies fate. He was born free, he expresses detest for people who aren’t free and bound by something, 2000 years, Ymir etc. This only ties together if Eren himself in past lives was someone with the same views and personality traits, like Mikasa, except hers are the opposite. Paths has always been there and everything that has happened in the past is imbedded within its clutches through Ymir. These two titans needed to be combined, Grisha was informed by Eren himself through Kruger and future versions of himself that he had to obtain the founder or nothing could be changed. Grisha is even seen asking Eren to show him everything that happens, whether carla dies etc. He did not have full control, this was made for Eren’s inhabitant period and he did not have access to all memories due to only being able to access the ones the future successor sends back in time. Like the mirror scene for example, Eren is speaking to someone else, not himself. Grisha was only instructed to go within the walls and have a family. Eren was instructed to save everyone. Remember that the common rule with time is that you cannot change the past or it significantly alters the future.

I believe all the memories (the ones we are seeing even now) are actually in paths, the story has always had an indication it is being ‘narrated’ by someone - in most instances this is Armin. This has implied he will survive into the future, but that others may not. How this will happen...I can only theorise that Ymir will factor into who lives or dies. She will need to leave paths however, the only way the titan curse will end is if she leaves and no one is there to build titans. She will be either reborn to capture her freedom or reborn through Eren for them both to obtain the same dream. There has been multiple theories that some other titan other than the attack titan could be the key or another character, like that of the Ackermans or armin for example as I do think the trio concept is likely. But, remember the manga is called “Shingeki no Kyojin” meaning “the attack titan” - its always been the key and Eren is that key...again, key? Eren. scarf? Mikasa. Equals symbolism.

At the end of the day, the characters who I feel personally will tie together the ending are Eren, Ymir, Historia and Levi, Mikasa, Armin - both trios on different sides of the coin. Just remember, this isn’t the type of story where the characters get what they desire and that they could die without obtaining these desires. Erwin died before learning the truth of the outside world. Hanji died. Sasha died, Niccolo lost her. Floch did not live to see Eldian rule. Levi may have killed Zeke, but what for? He killed a different version of him, not the one who murdered innocents in Shinganshina. Levi lost every attachment of his. Mikasa lost Eren. I’d be angry and sad for him, but Eren also could lose his freedom by striking a deal with Ymir for her own freedom. But! he could free the world and his friends through both Mikasa and Armin, the chain will break, the titan curse will end and he will cease to exist or be lost in Paths dormant, unlike Ymir for 2000 years. This would be a good culmination of Eren’s character, extremely heart breaking, but fitting. A character who only sought freedom for humanity. He is humanity’s hope after all. Remember, Kaji Yuki (Eren’s Japanese voice actor) expressed extreme sadness at learning Eren’s fate from Isayama. It has always been a manga that indicates a bittersweet ending, so this could also be highly likely. (Eren is my favourite character...so this guts my heart from my chest)

To conclude, these are merely my own speculation of the final events within 139 and although sad of its ending, my excitement for this final instalment knows no bounds. I can only wish for the best and I know Isayama will deliver. 

[babygirl06301]

When Did Dean Fall In Love With Cas?

tl;dr: S11

I’ve wanted to talk about this since the show ended and the Spanish dub that broke Tumblr came out. So, when did Dean Winchester fall in love with Castiel?

This is entirely my opinion of course, and I know there are some people that will say it was right away or that it never happened at all, but I wanted to put my thoughts out there so other people could tell me their thoughts, too. I’ll probably get off on some tangents here and there, so feel free to send me any Destiel thoughts you’ve got.

Also, it’s worth noting that, to me, there’s a difference between falling in love and actually being in love. I mean, if you’ve fallen in love with someone, every point in your relationship has been a stepping stone to that point, so I guess it’s all abstract, but still. Hence, S11 being my answer to this question.

Keep in mind I’m doing this without the benefit of a recent rewatch, so I may miss some behaviors from Dean that would change a few things.

Warning: sappy stuff ahead; read at your own risk (also crappy images).

S4-5

I don’t think it’s that big of a secret that Dean attached himself to Cas, like, right away. I mean, the dude never talks about his emotions, and yet, it took eight episodes of Cas being around for Dean to break down in front of him and talk about his fears. It’s almost like you could say that’s because they were always meant to fall for each other.

However, I don’t really the think the process of falling in love with Cas had started yet. I do think that Dean cared about Cas, but I don’t think it was anything extremely special. Reason being: it was the literal end times and Dean didn’t have that type of time. That, and I think there’s something to be said for being raised a certain way and believing certain things about yourself that affects how long it takes for you to notice that something has changed. So, yeah. I don’t think Cas had been around long enough at this point for Dean to start feeling anything more than kinship with him.

That’s not to say, though, that Dean didn’t subconsciously find Cas hot or get the warm fuzzies sometimes because:

I mean, come on.

S6-7

So, this era is weird because I do think something had begun to change in how Dean saw Cas, but I don’t think he got to fully begin the process of falling in love with him because: a.) Cas betrayed them and b.) Sam’s head was broken.

I’m gonna say something rude now: I think a lot of the Destiel moments in the beginning of S6 were born of Dean needing Castiel’s abilities as an angel and not of needing Cas. For example, Dean calling on Cas to help with the Staff of Moses or with Soulless!Sam. He was usually pretty demanding and sometimes curt with Cas and got irritable when Cas couldn’t help.

However, I think that Cas always being there despite his battle in Heaven began to shift Dean’s feelings toward him. I do think this change was almost imperceptible, but you can see Dean showing more and more concern for Cas as S6 progresses. Like this:

This is the primary reason I think Dean got so defensive of Cas when Bobby and Sam started suggesting that Cas was working with Crowley. It’s also why he got so hurt when he found out that Bobby and Sam were right.

Here’s my super abstract and vague take on it: he’d started feeling romantic emotions for Cas, but as soon as Cas’s betrayal was revealed, it got replaced with pain. Basically, Dean almost started to fall for Cas in S6, and then the Purgatory storyline interrupted it.

And then Cas died. Which didn’t help.

Here we enter S7, which has fuck all for Destiel content beyond the first two episodes—until Cas comes back. I know some people are going to say not to gloss over the trench coat thing, and fair enough. I think the keeping of the trench coat was akin to Dean trying to hold onto what he did feel for Cas, obviously not consciously. Almost as though Dean could tell he’d lost something special when Cas died, and not just in losing Cas, but in losing part of himself, a part that he didn’t know existed yet. I don’t consider the trench coat to be a sign that Dean was falling in love with Cas but a sign that he was about to or that he could’ve. Is that weak? Whatever.

Now, I do think that some shit got shaken loose when Dean saw Cas again because, for all intents and purposes, he should’ve been pissed. But instead he was... whatever this is:

I still, more or less, think that he was too preoccupied with Sam to really begin falling in love with Cas. I think that’s clear to see in how he treated Cas after he came back into the story for the final battle with the Leviathan. He did give the whole “I’d rather have you” speech, but all the stuff before that was more along the lines of “Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas! Clean up your mess!” So, yeah.

S8

Okay, so this is where the Purgatory stuff comes in. In the words of the great John Mulaney, “we don’t have time to unpack all of that,” but this is where I believe Dean started falling in love with Cas.

Dean told Sam that Purgatory felt pure because he could only focus on the fight at all times... but he still had the emotional availability to worry about and search for Cas, so...

If I had to pick an exact moment, I’d say somewhere around here:

And thus, rather than just keeping a trench coat when he lost Cas, Dean literally rewired his own memories because he would rather think that he left Cas behind than think that Castiel chose to leave him.

From here, we can start seeing Dean paying attention to Cas more, noticing when he’s not being himself, and more than that, worrying about him in a more personal way. For instance, when Dean insists that Cas talk to him about what’s bothering him in “Hunteri Heroici.” Not to mention, Dean becomes a lot more emotionally vulnerable regarding his feelings for Cas. One example would be when he insists that he didn’t abandon Cas in Purgatory. Another would be, of course:

I would also mark this season as the season Dean’s prayers to Cas become more emotional and, at times, cathartic, as though he’s confiding in Cas. In “Remember the Titans,” for example, Dean prays to Cas to ask him to look out for Sam; the scene reads like Dean is asking for help but is, in equal measure, asking for Cas. This is also the first season an adversary pokes at Dean and Cas’s relationship in a way that specifically targets Dean and his feelings about Cas rather than Cas’s feelings about Dean as it had been before; this would be when Naomi says “You’re hoping Castiel will return to you.”

S9-S10

Well, these seasons are complicated to say the least because of Gadreel and the Mark of Cain. I don’t think, at this point, Dean ever stops feeling what he’s feeling for Cas. However, I do think that a lot of the hiccups throughout S9 and S10 made Dean step away from those feelings.

Of course, Dean is still stressing about Cas 24/7 in the beginning of S9 what with Cas being human, Cas being hunted, Cas dying, Cas working at a Gas-n-Sip—you know, drama. I think when Gadreel said that Cas needed to stay away if Dean wanted Sam to be healed, Dean had to let what he was feeling for Cas go—not that that means he stopped feeling it, mind you. No, I don’t think Dean consciously went, “Well, guess I’m done falling for this dude,” but I think he knew somewhere in his heart that it wasn’t the time.

Now, the Mark of Cain. The storyline that put the characters down on the page once and left them stagnant and unchanging until it was resolved. Now, as you might imagine, slowly turning into a demon that wants nothing but death would put a damper on any relationship. Finding Destiel in the B season for S9 and throughout S10 is hard. Especially on Dean’s end. 

There are moments when you can tell that Dean’s feelings for Cas are still there, and I would say, developing slowly, like the cheeseburger date. Probably the biggest Destiel moment in the entire Mark of Cain stretch is when Dean nearly kills Cas but resists, despite the Mark’s hold on him.

That’s really it, though. No backwards movement, but barely anything trending the opposite way, either.

S11

This is the Big Season™, the one I believe Dean fell in love with Cas in. Now, obviously, it isn’t like Dean lost the Mark, and boom, fell in love with Cas. Plus, there’s the whole pull-to-Amara thing. However, I don’t think falling in love necessarily has to be a big moment; I think it can just happen, and I think that’s what happened with Dean. At some point between the start of this season and Cas being released from Lucifer’s possession, Dean fell in love with Cas.

That being said—if I was really reaching for a moment—I wouldn’t say it happened during a happy scene. I’d say Dean fell in love with Cas when he lost him.

I know that sounds weird, that Dean didn’t fall in love with Cas completely until he realized Cas had been possessed by Lucifer, but in my head, it fits. I think it’s because Dean is so emotionally closed off and tries not to let his emotions show if he can help it that it took knowing that Cas was gone for that last switch to flip in his heart.

So, now Dean is in love with Cas, but Cas is Lucifer. I’d say this has something to do with the fact that, even though Dean is supposed to be attached to Amara, he still calls out for Cas even though Amara is right in front of him.

Considering the fact that Cas comes back in the literal last episode—at least, that’s when Dean realizes he’s back—there isn’t a whole hell of a lot of time to see how being in love with Cas has changed Dean. We do get the “you’re our brother, Cas” scene, but seeing as how that’s pretty inconsistent with everything that comes afterward, let’s just chalk that one up to bad writing and/or Dean being dense.

S12

Alright, so my post should be done, yeah? I’ve answered the question I’ve set out to answer. However, there’s still more to talk about here. When did Dean first sense that what he felt for Cas was different? When did he have an inclination that it was romantic? When did he know for sure?

That’s why we’re here in S12. Now, S12 is the most Destiel-heavy season in the entire series. In my opinion, while it does have many of the best Destiel scenes, it doesn’t have the best Destiel scene. However, as far as number of moments, S12 takes it.

This is where we really get to see how being in love with Cas has changed Dean. Realistically, I think this has a lot to do with S12 being the beginning of the Dabb era because this era marked a change in tone for both Castiel’s character and his relationship with Dean. Dean began to worry about Cas a lot more frequently and, as a result, got mad at him a lot more, too. I see S12 as the season that Dean moved away from simply being worried about losing Cas to being terrified of losing Cas. And that translated into anger any time Castiel put himself in danger. For example, killing Billie. Any other time, the threat of losing Cas translated itself into fear, like when Cas nearly died from being stabbed with the Lance of Michael.

Of course, the mixtape is also in this season, which is another example of how being in love with Cas has affected Dean. I could probably make an entirely seperate and very long post regarding Destiel in S12, but the general idea is that Dean’s newly found love for Cas made a big difference in how he treated Cas.

S13

Alright, S13 stands outs to me because I believe this is when Dean first realized that Cas meant something more to him than a friend and that he felt differently about him than he did about his family. Again, I don’t think that Dean actually thought those exact words, but I think his heart knew them to be true even if he mind didn’t. Reason being: Cas had just died. Which is the first time Castiel has died since Dean fell in love with him. Dean knew he needed Cas, in a way he hadn’t really realized it before. Which is why he demands that Chuck bring him back.

Then Cas comes back, and it’s like Dean forgets what hopelessness and misery are because Cas is his “big win.” After this, honestly, there isn’t much else by way of emotional development for Dean regarding Cas, but I see that as a good thing. It’s a sign that, though Dean hasn’t realized it yet, being in love with Cas is comfortable for him. There are still expressions of concern for Cas’s wellbeing throughout the season, but mostly, we just get to see Dean be content with Cas.

S14

Alright, S14 a.) mostly saw Dean’s feelings much in the same place as they were in S13 and b.) just kidding because Dean tells Cas that he’s dead to him in this season.

To be fair, if we’re talking Destiel, there’s more of it on Castiel’s end this season than there is on Dean’s because Dean is dealing with Michael. There are a couple moments that stand out to me as moments where Dean’s love for Cas comes through: when Cas asks Dean if his plan to trap himself in the Ma’lak Box means that they’re supposed to say goodbye and when Dean confides in Cas about how he’s handling keeping Michael trapped. In the former scene especially, I think it’s clear to see how much the idea of saying goodbye to Cas affects Dean.

And then we get to “Absence,” which is the episode where Dean tells Cas that he’ll be dead to him if Jack killed Mary. Now, going off on a tangent here to explain how this ties into Dean being in love with Cas, let’s talk about when Dean gets mad at Cas.

When Dean gets mad at Castiel, it’s always out of pain. I think that’s a very unique effect that Cas has on Dean that no one else does, and I believe it’s because Dean gets so overwhelmed with the emotion of betrayal that all he can do is push Cas away. Why a feeling of betrayal? Well, in this case, it’s because Cas knew something was wrong with Jack and didn’t say anything. I think that, as Dean fell more and more in love with Cas, his expectations and feelings for him grew, and because of that, when he feels like he’s been let down by Cas, it turns into rage. 

When Dean walks away from Sam, it’s usually because he’s either worried or angry. With Jack, he walked away because of anger, maybe even disgust. But with Cas, it’s always pain; it’s always because Dean feels like he’s been personally betrayed in a way that has nothing to do with worrying about Cas and everything to do with wanting to hurt Cas back. It’s almost a selfish sort of anger, which is actually a positive for Dean’s character since he rarely puts himself first.

To me, the way Dean gets mad at Cas—especially in S14—is so personal and unique that it serves as proof as to why Dean is in love with Cas. So, even though the “then you’re dead to me” line is so damaging, it’s still a result of Dean loving Cas.

S15

Last season. The hardest season by far, for a lot of reasons. I’m not going to get into the lack of closure the ending of this show gave us in terms of Dean and Castiel, and I’m not going to talk about this final season in conjunction with the Spanish dub—just what I, as an English speaker experienced in canon since that’s what was intended in the final cut—but I will talk about everything else. There’s three episodes/points I’m going to hit with this season, and I’m sure we all know them: “The Rupture,” “The Trap,” and “Despair.”

I’ve already discussed why Dean’s anger points to his being in love with Cas, but I think the important thing to note with “The Rupture” is that Dean still didn’t want to lose Cas, even in the moments when he was hurting Cas and pushing him away.

There’s still a couple questions I’ve asked that I haven’t answered yet, and one of them will be answered with “The Trap.” I think this episode—and really, the moment Cas told him he heard his prayer—marks the first time that Dean considered that his feelings might be romantic. I don’t know how clear those thoughts were or if Dean told himself he was wrong afterward, but I do think that that scene was the beginning of possibility for Dean and Cas. Had they had enough time, they would’ve decided to be together, and that scene is where they both really felt it for the first time—even if they didn’t believe the other felt the same way.

I’ll be honest: I really don’t want to talk about “Despair” because it’ll just make me sad. Alas, there is one question that still needs to be answered: When did Dean know that he was in love with Cas?

When it was already too late. Much like in S11, I think it took Dean losing Cas to realize how he felt about him. The difference here is: I think Dean would’ve realized it regardless; hearing how Cas felt about him and then losing Cas just forced it. Had Cas not died, I don’t believe it would’ve been too long before Dean realized it naturally, and that’s the most frustrating thing about this scene is that Dean didn’t have to learn how he felt through the trauma of losing Cas.

I’m not trying to diminish this scene because, had there been closure—and proper editing—I’d say this scene was the perfect avenue for Castiel’s character to go down because it would mean that, when he came back, he could be with Dean.

Again, I’m not getting into the semantics of the final couple episodes or how they handled Destiel because it’ll just make me mad, but I think Dean realizing he was in love with Cas was just as big of a factor in him seeing himself differently as Cas’s speech was. I think Dean wanted to honor Cas by being the person Castiel saw him as; I think Dean wanted to live as a man worthy of being loved by the man he fell in love with.

Anyway, that’s my take on when Dean Winchester fell in love with Castiel based on what canon gave us. As someone who had been very realistic about the possibility of Destiel over the years and had never truly hoped for it in canon because I knew better, I have never been more convinced that Dean is in love with Castiel as I am now, after the show has ended.

I don’t think I can say I believe he was in love with him all along, but I believe that his story, their story, of falling in love is real and true, however long it may have taken. I’ll never say goodbye to these two, but I’m happy that I can at least walk away from this show knowing that they found each other in the end, even if their ending didn’t do justice to their legacy.

Let me know when you think Dean fell in love Cas or vise versa. I’m curious to know what you see in their relationship. I don’t think I’ll be making a post like this for Castiel because, in my opinion, Cas fell in love with Dean rather quickly—his journey was just realizing what that meant. Anyway, thank you for reading this, and thank you for being a part of this twelve year long love story that is Destiel.

[picnokinesis]

fic writer review

tagged by the wonderful @swinging-stars-from-satellites whoop!! Let’s go!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

Fourteen! It was thirteen until yesterday, which appealed to me a lot, but I decided that posting pirate!thoschei was worth changing that number hahaha

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

394,102

3. How many fandoms have you written for?

Technically five, because I’m not counting Avengers and MCU as two different fandoms hahaha. But they are: Doctor Who (2005), MCU, Stargate Universe, The Greatest Showman, and X-Men (comics) - the latter, though, wasn’t really for that fandom, because I was writing a TGS X-Men au hahaa

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

Liminality , with 195 kudos - I am not surprised about this one, since it’s probably the most ‘readable’ of my fics, being a oneshot, not shippy, and also not being stupidly long haha!

Renegades in the Ring , with 144 kudos - I didn’t realise how much kudos this one got? I guess it helped that the fandom was very active when I first posted this. Alas, if only I had finished this one...I have a lot of nostalgia for the idea, but I don’t think I’ll ever return to it, simply because it would take about as much effort as campervan au is taking me right now. 

i need a place to hide (before the storm begins) , with 125 kudos - which I am genuinely SO happy about because ahh! This is my big project and to know that 125 people said ‘yes this is good’ is just...really really nice?? Especially when it’s such a niche, specific au.

Tropospheric Disturbance , with 125 kudos - honestly, I’m surprised this one has as many kudos as it does, since I regularly forget I even wrote it hah! It’s a weird one, because it’s not actually in my usual writing style, but I am very proud of it!

and they did live by watchfires , with 109 kudos - and I’m really really happy to see this one here, because I think this is probably the favourite thing of my own that I’ve written. 

5. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

YES absolutely!! I love comments so much, and I really love to ramble about my stories because I almost always have a LOT of thoughts hahaha

6. A fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I mean, it’s probably a toss up between i need a place to hide (because I ended it on that twist/cliffhanger), Retrograde (which is another cliffhanger ending, leaving all the characters in a REALLY BAD situation), or maybe the new problem kid, you’ll taste all the salt in my lungs, because, uh, it basically ends with the Doctor saying ‘the person I was before this moment is dead’ HAHAHA. But, to be honest, I don’t know if I would call any of those endings VERY angsty? They’re more like ‘AHHH WHAT HAPPENS NEXT’ endings rather than angst. I don’t tend to write angsty endings because I love angst but I always prefer to end it on a hopeful note...otherwise it feels very unsatisfying for me to write, personally. 

7. Do you write crossovers?

Technically? I mean, I see Renegades as an au more than a crossover, because it’s merely set in the same universe as the X-Men comics, and the only crossover element is Nathaniel Essex being in it...and I never even wrote those scenes hahaha

8. Ever received hate on a fic?

Nah, people are wonderful!

9. Do you write smut?

Since I’m sex-repulsed, this is a hard no HAHA

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know!

11. Ever had a fic translated?

I have not

12. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Me and @sunshinedaysforever have a collab-wip graveyard in our dms HAHA - but I am actually working on cowriting a fic with some other wonderful folks at the moment! I am. Supposed to have my part finished by the 6th. Hm. 

13. All time fav ship?

Right now, it’s thoschei/spydoc, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that’s my all time favourite, because my favourite changes a lot. I do have a HUGE amount of love for Clintasha and Rush/Young though! 

14. WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Hmmmmm, there’s a few. I mean, at the moment, I feel like The Grandfather Paradox will NEVER get finished, but I like to think that if I’m still into Doctor Who enough when I finally finish campervan, I might take a crack at it? Grandfather Paradox is more solid atm than some of my other wips...(see: deathless, disarmed). Oh, I know which one I almost certainly won’t finish - this one I came up with waaay back before In the Wind, which is set between O55 and Telsa, which is about telepathy and not listening to warnings from the past, amongst other things.

15. Writing strengths?

I’ve been informed that I’m really good at character voices, and I also think that I’m quite good at expanding characters we see very little of and fleshing them out a lot more. I’ve had to do that a lot for campervan and it’s been really good fun!

16. Writing weaknesses?

I think I can get kinda tangled in the emotional plot lines sometimes, and it makes everything get convoluted and messy and hard to follow? Also I’m not very good at...taking a good metaphor and expanding it? If that makes sense. I’m also actually kind of terrible at subtle, clever foreshadowing because half the time I don’t know what’s happening HAHAHAHAH but sometimes I do manage it!! I’m trying to do it in campervan at the moment. Also I. Can’t write short things HAHA. My characters always think and talk a LOT and sometimes that’s good, sometimes not so much

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I’m actually doing it currently in part 5 of campervan, since Gabriela and Jamila both speak portuguese (and I’m learning portuguese!)

18. First fandom you wrote for?

On ao3? Stargate Universe. On the internet? The Avengers. Ever? Uh. I honestly don’t know. I made up ocs based on two unicorns in the aftercredits sequence of a My Little Pony VHS tape, does that count?

19. What’s your fav fic you’ve written so far?

I mentioned it earlier, but I’m extremely proud of and emotionally attached to and they did live by watchfires

If anyone wants my ao3, it’s right over here!

And oh, who to tag!! No pressure, of course, but: @sunshinedaysforever @theplatinthehat @taardisblue @hetzi-art @krebkrebkreb @echo84 @theoreticalabsurdity @1-of-those-things @walker-lister @timelostdoctor and anyone else who wants to!

[marmixedwithabitofintellect]

Okay! Take 500 because my phone has deleted what I wanted to say 500 times and I’m back to say this.

I absolutely love your story, I get really attached to good stories, I basically obsess over them, I check your profile everyday 5 times probably more to re read it or see if you have updated it yet haha so I’m sorry in advance is this is too much.

Let’s begin: 1. The way you wrote this story is amazing! The clarity of each detail, the characters past present and future, the unborn child, the trauma, the angst, the love, the appointments, the reader, Harry, the families everything! I love it.

2. Olivia, piss off. Hahahah sorry but I get it if I was in her shoes but honestly the audacity of her 2 chapters ago I think with talking about someone’s else’s child…. No thanks. Jail! Haha… I get it I do but go away thanks.

2. The reader is my favorite, the details of her life her past her family(which I can’t stand and I LOWKEY hope their not that baby shower to ruin her day and come back) the connection with her child, I love how she stood up for herself to everyone especially Harry when he did that to her, how she has basically let him in after what he did to her and creating a comfortable loving life for this child and putting her issues aside to make this work. I love how she ripped Harry a new one and I hope she does it again when the angst happens with finding the ring and their relo and why he did that to her. (I can’t remember what chapter is was I keep seeing people talk about it thou!) I forgot what happens when she found it and does he know? Anyway…. I love her and I’m so excited for her baby shower the gifts she wants I love it. She loves the family and friends and I love how they all love her back it shows she was what Harry needed and loved and he fucked up haha. Can’t wait for her to rip him a new one thou but please end them in love again haha!

3. Harry. Jail. another one. Sweet loving boy your so stupid. To buy a ring then go emotionally cheat and then leave and then do this nope. I hope he fucks up again spills how he feels I hope everyone tells him what a idiot he is and fixes it! PLEASE. Also tbou I love how caring and attentive he is, and the man he has become having a child now and being there and being really raw and honest together and talking things about the baby. (Please admit your feelings sir) haha and also I hope he doesn’t loose it when he finds out readers partners don’t speak to her!!!! Or invite them. Nope. Anyway Harry fix your shit I want a happy ending sir.

4. WHENS THE NEXT CHAPTER and how are there only 6 left???????

5. I can’t wait for the baby shower 🥺🥺🥺🥺 but also the angst and the drama BUT THE ENDING THE BIRTH THE NAME THE LOVE THEY HAVE AND THE GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

6. I love how his friends love the reader! Shows she was really the one and the respect they all have for her.

7. Tell me more what’s happening I’m anxious, I’m too attached to this sorry I’m sorry for overloading you!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Tumblr has also been crazy for me darling so I truly appreciate from the bottom of my heart that you sent me this!!

BABY THAT IS SO NICE OF YOU!! STOP I ACTUALLY TEARED UP 🥹🥹🥹🥹 thank you for taking the time to visit my profile, I promise I try to update as soon as I have them ready for you and PLEASE DON’T APOLOGIZE! I really love to talk to you guys about everything and anything you want to talk either through my inbox or my messages, it makes me happy 🥰🥰🥰

1. This means so so much to me!! This is actually the first time I am writing a story, and I was kinda worried it would be bad, I will not lie but reading this makes me feel proud of myself not gonna lie and I love love love your eye for detail!!! Especially when you guys catch them and talk to me about them.

2. I’ll give you a little spoiler… this chapter reader will definitely send her off (respectfully because that’s who she is) but Olivia will have a whole new vision to discuss and think about, but I definitely agree she went over the line BUT we needed it, everything has a purpose 😉☺️

2. I wanted to create a reader with no face claim or details so that each and every one of you guys who read could give her the look you want to do it (don’t worry my love her family is not in the picture); I think that is what makes her a mother, the fact that she can put aside what she is feeling while thinking of her child HE DOESN’T KNOW SHE KNOWS ABOUT THE RING YET!!!! 🫣🫣🫣🫣 That conversation will be well raw and emotional, and I have a feeling you may hate me for a few but it will be worth it in the end I promise you

3. Harry needs a whack in the head, he is definitely having a reality check and he will have a conversation with both Sarah and Mitch that will help him think of some things  he is so happy to be having a baby, and especially with her 🤍🤍🤍 oh he will LOOSE it when he learns about how her family has been with her (we’ve already seen how sad he was for her when she saw her mother with the bab

4. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW WE ONLY HAVE SIX LEFT I AM TEARING UP JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!!! New chapter may or may not come this weekend or sooner if it is done eeeeek 🫢🫢🫢🫢🫢

5. I am actually the most excited to write these last chapters, we have so many things coming up and they will be so so fun and emotional and fluffy and a lot of emotions!! It will be fun to have Anne and Gemma on the mix now 😍🥰😘🤪🫶🏼

6. She was or she is the one? 😏😏😏😏😏

7. Please don’t apologize!! You’re definitely not overloading me!! It makes me happy to talk to you so so much!! I’ll give you a “spoiler” of sorts, there will be some very important conversations that will change everything 🤔🤔🤔🤔

I really appreciate you coming to talk to me and I apologize for my late reply, I had a long weekend with so many things but I would loe to talk with you again!!🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍